Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Complete this sentence:
"Hell is..."
- Personal Virgil
Dear Virgil,
Well, your classicist might say "other people," to show off how witty and literate they are. Frankly, I think hell is forgetting to shave your head for a few weeks, and subsequently getting your hair caught in every sweater, hood, and hat you wear.
What? My scalp is sensitive...
24 November 2002
21 November 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
I was wondering if you'd explain this little quote. I overheard it at the mall today and my ears have been bleeding ever since...
"Sometimes blonds eat the beach, sometimes they eat a hotdog stand...the point is friend, they all eat."
Thank you.
- Suffering from stupidity (not mine...other's)
Dear Suffering,
It sounds to me as if you overheard a conversation between two Godzilla scholars. They were obviously speaking in code so as not to alarm passersby with their description of the unusually destructive eating habits of the legendary radioactive lizard.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Who is the coolest person you know (not met, not read about but actually know on a personal level)? And then you can tell me all about the coolest person you have met and read about... :)
- Kurious Kitty
Hold On There, Kurious,
That's way too many related questions for my brain to process right now. Let me answer the first part with something that sounds no less cliche' for being absolutely true. The coolest people I know personally are my parents. Mom and Dad Bastard are still married, unlike 80 percent of my friends' parents. Also, they had a very clear idea of when to stop raising me.
My parents didn't let me get away with too much stupid shit when I was a kid, but after a certain age they understood that it was no longer appropriate to meddle directly in my affairs. They are happy to offer advice, support, and even constructive criticism from time to time, but they are very good about treating me like an adult. They don't pry into my life, they don't offer unsolicited solutions to my problems, and they never, ever lecture me. They are the most awesome Mom and Dad a Bastard could have, and I appreciate them more every time I hear a friend tell a "my Mom won't shut up" story.
20 November 2002
Dear Bastard:
I'm getting married next year and need to make a few extra bucks. Do you think I would make a suitable addition to my local tittie bar?
- Shaking my Money Maker
Dear Shaking,
As long as you have the required mammaries and the slimmest grasp of rythmic dancing, I don't see how you can lose. Give a man a few beers, and he'll stuff a dollar in the thong of even the skankiest ho. You might want to check with your fiancee on this, though. If he shows up with his buddies for the bachelor party and finds you leaving a slime trail down a fireman's pole, he might start having second thoughts.
11 November 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Okay, so how do you break it down to a roommate that no, you don't wanna experiment and thank you-but uh...you don't really need to have gay sex with them to become closer?
-John Smith
Dear Obvious Psuedonym,
It depends the reaction you expect to receive. If your roommate is reasonable, then simply confront him honestly. If you expect tears and a tantrum, try telling him just before you go away for the weekend. If he's a loner with an extensive collection of guns, get used to putting out.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Which is worse, loading a newborn feet first into a blender to make baby smoothies OR grinding up a couple old people to make sausage?
- Worse Witch
Dear Worse,
It depends. Is the baby already dead? Are the old people war criminals? If you really want to put me in a moral bind, you'll have to be much more specific.
10 November 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
What was your best hallucination?
- Trippin' Curious
Dear T.C.,
That one where Satan took me up on that mountain, and he showed me the whole world, and said I could rule it all if I'd only swear allegiance to him. That one was sweet.
Wait, was that me? I can never remember...
Dear LBB,
Why don't girls take shits?
- Scatologist
Dear Scatologist,
I was once read the riot act by an old girlfriend for asking the very same question. While her response was harsh and belittling to my manhood, it boiled down to two points.
1) Girls don't "shit," they "defecate."
2) As far as I was concerned, she didn't defecate, either.
After she dumped me, I spent many months scanning the newspaper in hopes of reading about her inevitable death from exploding intestines. Alas, it never happened.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
What if God smoked cannabus (sic)?
- Jesus Stole My Stash
Dear J.S.M.S,
It wouldn't be that odd, really. If you ascribe to the New Testament assertion that Jesus was, in fact, God, then it isn't all that big a stretch to see God as a wandering hippie. He certainly drank enough wine, and in the Gospel of Mark he spends 40 days in the desert hallucinating. Whether he was tripping on something, or just freaking out because he hadn't eaten for over a month is a matter for some debate, but God certainly has a history of experiencing altered states of consciousness. And that's ignoring the obvious platypus joke.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
How much is that doggy in the window (Woof Woof), the one with the with the waggily tail?
- The Slut Boat
Dear Slut Boat,
Relatively inexpensive, until you figure in the cost of food, trips to the vet, and having your furniture reupholstered after your excitable new puppy decides to let you know how happy he is to see you by showering an entire room with urine. Then again, balanced against the type of unconditional love that you'll never receive from any human being, a couch that smells like pee might not be so bad.
04 November 2002
29 October 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
What's the best way to get rid of unwanted killer mold?
- Crossings Clueless
Dear Clueless,
As opposed to all that welcome killer mold? First, go bang your face solidly against the refrigerator. This won't help with the mold: it's your punishment for phrasing your question so stupidly. Have someone take a picture of your broken, bloody visage, and email it to me. Once I'm satisfied that you've suffered enough, I'll help you get rid of the fanatical spores that even now are corroding your immune system.
24 October 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
I am a 24-year-old single female, and I possess no porn or sex toys of any kind. Is there something wrong with me?
- Idle but Agile Hands
Dear Idle,
If you're satisfied with your solitary sexuality, then by all means keep at it. I myself am a regular worshipper at the temple of self-loving, and I can tell you that if you don't need any tactile or visual aids, you've got a major advantage. Some of us can't even get it up anymore without watching a videotape of one woman licking something off of another woman. And really, that's just sad.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
How can I masturbate at work without getting caught?
-X-Rated At X-Fire
Dear X-Rated,
Unless you're a toll collector, simply grab a newspaper, find a bathroom stall and go to town. If it's a private bathroom, you're golden. Otherwise, simply groan loudly and flip through the newspaper when anyone comes in. No one will interrupt you if it sounds like you're showing Number Two who's boss.
21 October 2002
Dear Bastard,
Why can't you get your head out of your ass?
- Bastard Hater
Dear Bastard Hater,
I'm fine, as long as I don't leave it up there long enough that my hair starts to grow in. That stubble hooks into my delicate rectal tissue like steel-belted Velcro. I'm then forced to wait another two weeks until the hair grows long enough that it's silky soft and bendable. Only then am I able to remove my head from my poor, distended anus.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
How much sex is considered too much sex, thereby deeming a person as a nympho?
- Crazy About Booty
Dear Crazy,
The short answer is, more than you or I will ever get. Okay, maybe not you. It's probably just me. I'll bet you get laid on a regular basis, without having to beg or spend your rent money.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Why is cheese so ridiculously delicious?
- Dairy Queen
Dear Dairy,
It's squirted out of a cow, completely re-processed by busy little bacteria, and then extruded into little vacuum sealed plastic containers or pressed into tubes for eventual slicing by that sweaty guy at the deli. What's not to love?
15 October 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
What's the best cure for a head cold?
What do you do when you're not busy being bastardly?
How come I'm so sexy?
How YOU doin'?
Signed,
Really Fucking Bored in Medford
Dear RFB,
The best cure for a head cold is to simply not have a head. If you don't have access to a guillotine, simply lie down with your neck resting comfortably on the train tracks. You'll be rid of the cold, and have the satisfaction of haunting some poor Amtrak operator with the image of your exploded head for the rest of his miserable, drunken life.
When I'm not handing out bitter, angry advice, I work in retail, and attend classes at Rowan University. Which explains why my advice is so often bitter and angry.
You're probably so sexy because of that see-through shirt you accidentally wore to work.
I'm doin' fine. Puttering around the Bald Cave, cleaning rotten fruits and vegetables out of my kitchen. Looking forward to another Christmas working in the mall. But hey, at least I'm not getting raped in the shower by a lifer known only as "Bulk."
09 October 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Let's say someone you love and care about is about to be kidnapped by zombie carnival folk. That person will be forced to be their slave for the rest of her natural born life with NO hope of advancement or escape. In order to save her, you would have to get the word KRAFT (yes, that's right, as in the Mac and Cheese) tattooed on your forehead. Now, how would you break the news that she would forever be living with the carnies?
Sincerely,
John Smith
Dear John,
I don't know exactly. Does Hallmark make an "Enjoy Shoveling Elephant Shit for the Rest of Your Life" card?
18 September 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Too much of today's music seems too be filled with underwelming rap-metal and god-awful teen pop. There have been rays of light with such new talent as The Hives, The White Stripes, The Strokes, and Andrew W.K., but they keep getting overshadowed by crap. Is there any hope in today's music?
- Concerned in South Jersey
Dear Concerned,
Let's be honest here. If the bands you like ever get as big as Limp Bizkit, you'll drop them in a second, and complain bitterly about them selling out. You need your favorite bands to be "overshadowed by crap" to keep your indy cred intact. Otherwise, your music store buddies will look down on you as just another populist.
I am by no means suggesting that I appreciate much of what passes for popular music these days. The thing is, when viewed up close, the vast majority of music in any era really sucks ass. Time has a way of filtering out the crap, so that when we look at the early 90's, we remember grunge and gangsta-rap, and forget that Right Said Fred and Color Me Badd had #1 singles.
The only thing I can really recommend is waiting about 15 years. By then, Britney and Avril and (insert boy group here) will have faded like Bobby Brown. If the artists on your list are really any good, chances are you'll be hearing about them long after the current pop-bubble has burst like an ass-pimple.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Why the hell are you here at Rowan?
- Wondering Myself
Dear Wondering,
I was attracted to Rowan for the spacious living areas, small class sizes, attractive campus, abundant parking, and their dedication to fostering appreciation for the arts in South Jersey.
Obviously, I have got to stop smoking the crack.
Dear Little Baldy,
Who’s da man?
- Just Kidding, It’s Me
Dear Kidding,
I am a caucasian, male, heterosexual, who was raised Protestant. Hell, I even have blue eyes. It looks like I’m the man. But don’t sweat it. I’m going to stop holding everybody down as soon as I get a couple million dollars and a harem of supermodels.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
If you could be Madonna from any pop-culture time period, which would you be?
- Desperately Seeking Something
Dear Desperately,
That's a tough call. There's the early "frilly white dress and innocent sexuality" Madonna. There's the "I'd really like to be Marilyn Monroe" Madonna. Most recently, there's the "I'm so happy to be a British mum" Madonna.
I think, though, that I'm holding out for "dried-up old crone" Madonna. If she has any decency at all, she'll stop performing in public. If not, then watching her drag her craggy ass around a stage like Mick Jagger's little sister will be pathetic enough to be a must-see.
13 September 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
If Jimmy cracks corn and nobody cares, then why does he keep doing it?
-Just Wondering
Dear JW,
The Jimmy referred to in the song is actually James Gunther Groatcluster, a Scotsman who emigrated to the United States in late 1841. He planned to make a living selling cakes of homemade cornmeal recipe, which he worked on day and night during the long trans-atlantic voyage. Unfortunately, the cakes were so unpalatable that Groatcluster earned a reputation on the ship, and the ship's crew made up the tune to express their disdain for the lethal concoctions. Later verses detail the crew's disinterest in the mixing of the cracked corn with milk and spices, and the cooking of dollops of the mix over a smokey fire.
30 August 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
I enjoy Taco Bell's bean burritos because they're fast, cheap, and tasty. The thing is, every time I eat them, they disrupt my digestive system and turn my intestines into angry, quivering tubes full of toxic poop. What should I do?
-Runs For the Border
Dear Runs,
You have a few options here.
1) Supermodel Diet: Eat as much as you want, and then puke it all back up before it has a chance to malign your digestive tract or your waistline.
2) Night-Before-Prom Diet: Chew as much as you want, but don't swallow. (Sometimes referred to as the Blowjob Gone Wrong.)
3) Glutton For Punishment Diet: If you can't quite keep yourself from indulging fully in pseudo-Mexican goodness, simply amuse yourself by leaving a major watery bowel movement in your neighbors' litter box. Sit back and watch the hilarity ensue as they try to figure out how that came out of poor Fluffy.
13 August 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Someone recently asked me if I was good in bed. How can I tell if I am? How do you know you are?
- Vexed
Dear Vexed,
You know you're good in bed if, after sex, you and your partner collapse in a sweaty, exhausted, satisfied heap, arms and legs akimbo, and lie there together for a few minutes, savoring the afterglow.
Also, if she says something complimentary and gives you your $100 bill back, that's a good sign too.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
How do you keep your head so nice and bald? I've heard rumors that you used to be a longhair and you then you cut it. Is this true?
- Whitley Supreme
Dear Whitley,
True enough, I did once have hair that was longer and prettier than your sister's. Truth is, I got tired of having to wash it. Now, it's an occasional clipping, irregular shaving, and lots of bleeding scalp wounds that keep my head so fresh and so clean.
06 August 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
If it's a dog-eat-dog world, then is it okay to eat my best friend?
- Ralph
Dear Ralph,
Don't you know anything? This is America. In America, the dog never dies! The next time you find yourself stranded in the wilderness with your best friend, starvation breathing down your neck, remember this; if your best friend is the kid who grew up next door, then by all means, chow down. If your best friend is a terrier named Dodger, you'll just have to starve. After all, what good is surviving, only to be beaten to death by outraged pet lovers upon your return to civilization?
05 August 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
How many paper cuts would it take to kill the average human being?
- Mike B., Reading, England
Dear Mike,
Although I'm sure the total would vary based on weight and height, and conditions or medications which inhibit or encourage clotting, you would need to make enough incisions to cause a fatal loss of blood. I'd say your target is somewhere around 400, paying particular attention to any visible blood vessels. And keep in mind that I'm always wearing my "paper-proof" clothing, so if this is a sick stalker revenge thing, it won't work.
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