Ask the Little Bald Bastard

Dear Bastard,
  Why can't you get your head out of your ass?
- Bastard Hater
Dear Bastard Hater,
  I'm fine, as long as I don't leave it up there long enough that my hair starts to grow in. That stubble hooks into my delicate rectal tissue like steel-belted Velcro. I'm then forced to wait another two weeks until the hair grows long enough that it's silky soft and bendable. Only then am I able to remove my head from my poor, distended anus.