Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  If it's a dog-eat-dog world, then is it okay to eat my best friend?
- Ralph
Dear Ralph,
  Don't you know anything? This is America. In America, the dog never dies! The next time you find yourself stranded in the wilderness with your best friend, starvation breathing down your neck, remember this; if your best friend is the kid who grew up next door, then by all means, chow down. If your best friend is a terrier named Dodger, you'll just have to starve. After all, what good is surviving, only to be beaten to death by outraged pet lovers upon your return to civilization?

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How many paper cuts would it take to kill the average human being?
- Mike B., Reading, England
Dear Mike,
  Although I'm sure the total would vary based on weight and height, and conditions or medications which inhibit or encourage clotting, you would need to make enough incisions to cause a fatal loss of blood. I'd say your target is somewhere around 400, paying particular attention to any visible blood vessels. And keep in mind that I'm always wearing my "paper-proof" clothing, so if this is a sick stalker revenge thing, it won't work.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why does it take you so long to answer people's questions?
- LBB
Dear LBB,
  Because I'm a slack-ass.