Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Who do you feel is the most attractive Disney character?
- F'ing Goofy
Dear F'ing,
  It's a little difficult to fathom being terribly attracted to characters from what are, generally, movies made for seven-year-olds. However, when put on the spot, I'd have to say Bruce Willis in The Kid. There's just something intriguing about an actor who can make every line of a light comedy sound like "I'm going to break my fucking agent's neck."

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What one thing did you do in college that you'd be most horrified to tell your parents about?
- Moving Off Campus
Dear Moving,
  With any luck, Mom and Dad Bastard will never know that I'm bald because of a bizzare incident involving a bottle of Elmer's glue, a bottle of tequila, and a triple-dog dare.