Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Who would win in an advice column fight to the death: Ask LBB or Ask A Ninja?
- fadingembers
Dear fadingembers,
  Ask A Ninja's expertise seems to be focused on ninjary in all its deadly splendor. I have the advantage in that I don't have any expertise. I'm free to shoot my uninformed mouth off about any topic I feel like, from animal husbandry to zoophilia, and everything in between.

  Of course in an actual fight to the death, the Ninja would slaughter me before I'd even finished the thought of challenging him. I bet my entrails would be prettier than his, though.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How will I know if you've answered my question?
- Darryl L. Pierce
Dear Darrrrryl,
  What a fortuitous and not at all planted question! If you want to see all of the questions and answers as they're posted, you can add the Ask LBB feed to your favorite feed reader program. Then, you'll get to see every update I make, until the day when my bitterness finally dissolves my fragile organs, and I die choking on my own bile. Enjoy!

  In honor of my friend Angie's birthday, check out this post from the last time we hung out.


http://www.littlebaldbastard.com/2003/10/l.html

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Long time listener first time caller...
  What is the proper way to bludgeon a co-worker without getting in trouble or looking like an asshole?
- the quiet one
Dear quiet one,
  Physical violence, while often satisfying for the soul, is a hobby that you can't really engage in without being punished. You're better off employing the threat of violence to change a co-worker's behavior. If your description of the threatened injury is sufficiently explicit, you can generally bend people to your will without the effort (or evidence) of inflicting actual harm. This tactic also allows you more flexibility, since you can threaten poisoning or other methods that aren't predicated on actually being able to overpower your workplace nemesis.
  This is how a lot of the torture that our intelligence agencies absolutely do not engage in would work if they ever dabbled in it. You convince the victim that she will be injured in messy, painful or rude ways if she doesn't cooperate. If you're persuasive enough, your captive begins to squeal like a newborn piglet.
  The advantage you have over our hypothetical agent is that you're not looking for information. You won't have to corroborate testimony that may have been fabricated to avoid torture. Once you convince the offending cubicle-jockey to stop tapping her pencil, or humming aloud, or eating celery at her desk, your work is done.
  Don't forget to cover your tracks. Include the caveat that you'll pass out pain like a supermarket free sample if your co-worker tells anybody about your coercion. Fear is a fantastic motivator, but fear of losing your job should motivate you to be discreet when threatening to maim a co-worker.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I am a big fan of lingerie! However, my boyfriend says it's a waste of time and money, because the whole point of it is to take it off. How do I get him to pay attention to me?
- Desperate for Attention and Nookie
Dear Desperate,
  If he's so insistent on taking it off, then he must be showing you some sort of attention. It's probably the man-on-top-get-it-over-with-quick kind of attention that the ladies so adore, but it's attention nonetheless.
  A certified sex therapist would probably have all kinds of advice about communicating your needs effectively, and would offer strategies for obtaining satisfaction. Alas, I am not a certified anything, so I can only offer this perspective. Take full advantage of your power as a female. If your waste of man-bits isn't knocking your boots to their full potential, ask yourself some questions.
1) Does he have some other fabulous qualities that make the physical deprivation worthwhile?
2) If you explained the situation to him, would he be willing to step up his efforts to fulfill you sexually?
3) Would he rather sex you up than watch wrestling?
4) Is he really straight?
  If the answer to any of these questions is no, think about moving on.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Where the hell have you been for the last three years?
- Nobody Really Cares
Dear Nobody,
  I've been busy. I got married to a backup dancer, had two kids, gained forty pounds, got divorced, started going out in public without panties on, went crazy, checked in and out of rehab a few times, shaved my head, and attacked an SUV with an umbrella.
  Wait, was that me?


  Incidentally, if you haven't seen Craig Ferguson's take on the self-destructive media darling phenomenon, you really should. It's much funnier and more thoughtful than anything I could contribute.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Who do you think is the father of Anna Nicole's baby?
- Culture Vulture
Dear Vulture,
  I have this fevered nightmare where the horrible, voyeuristic leering of millions of lifeless tabloid readers somehow coagulated in her womb, creating a queen pop culture bee who will one day mature to reign over a twitching hive of buzz-junkies, combing the Internets for the sweet nectar of public humiliation. Except I'm pretty sure that's what's printed on Perez Hilton's business cards.
  There is no real value in knowing identity of the true father of that poor, almost inevitably damaged little girl. In many ways, she's been turned from a person into a social experiment. We all know how sad the "nature" contribution to her development has been. Now, we'll get to wait and see if whatever "nurture" she'll receive can keep her from becoming an overexposed chew toy for the rabid public. Jeebus knows that Entertainment Weekly will keep us clued in to how the whole thing develops.