I'm Not Cool Enough To Pretend This Isn't Exciting...

  Wired.com's Table of Malcontents is one of my favorite blogs, and one of the few that I make sure to read every day. (RSS rules.) ToM celebrated last week's Steak and a Blowjob day with a contest to let readers create a holiday of their own, and a winner was me!

  I proposed Flame Shame Day, an annual day when people who post nasty comments on blogs and message boards are required to spend one minute thinking about how their snarkity affects the people it's directed against. The ToM staff liked the idea, and they're sending me a card to celebrate.

  Even if you don't want to read my winning entry, you should still check out Table of Malcontents. Odd, interesting, amusing and amazing nuggets from the farthest corners of the Internets are always on the ToM menu. Enjoy! LBB commands it!

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What happens when you shake your moneymaker?
- Fellow Baldy

Dear FB,
  These days, my moneymaker is more of a liability than an asset. Shaking it merely results in stuff falling out of my pockets, and the derisive laughter of any passersby. Once my flabbier bits stop quaking, and I've collected the scattered contents of my pockets, I make a mental note to increase the number of drinks I've had before I attempt any future maker-shaking. So far, I'm up to an even dozen.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What's the deal with putting your seat back in the upright position when your plane is landing? Will the three-inch chasm between upright and reclined make any difference?
  Seriously, this keeps me up at night, and Friend Brian says I should ask. Solve the mystery, man.
  Thanks,
- Jenn

Dear Jenn (and Friend Brian),
  I bet you asked this question assuming I'd take your side and toss off a sarcastic dismissal of the seemingly arbitrary seat position requirements dictated by the flying debt hoses we call airlines. LBB thumbs his nose at your expectations; to quote Vanilla Ice in Cold As Ice, "You don't know me. You don't wanna know me. I'm dangerous."

  It turns out the important factor in a plane crash is the distance to the seat in front of you. If you can brace yourself against it, your chances of a fatal head or spinal injury are dramatically decreased. If everyone puts their seat up, you'll be a few inches closer to the seat in front of you, and it will be easier to brace against the flat, vertical surface.

  Having your seat up will also make a big difference when the fat guy behind you, who's been snoring like a brick in a wood chipper since Cleveland, awakes on touchdown and decides to maneuver his bulk into the aisle. That extra three inches might just be the difference between an uncomfortable, huffing exit or a belly bump to the back of your head.

  Now go away, or I shall quote appalling cinema at you a second time.