Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I am a 24-year-old single female, and I possess no porn or sex toys of any kind. Is there something wrong with me?
- Idle but Agile Hands
Dear Idle,
  If you're satisfied with your solitary sexuality, then by all means keep at it. I myself am a regular worshipper at the temple of self-loving, and I can tell you that if you don't need any tactile or visual aids, you've got a major advantage. Some of us can't even get it up anymore without watching a videotape of one woman licking something off of another woman. And really, that's just sad.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Do I make you horny, baby? Do I?
- Austin Extra
Dear Austin,
  Oh god, yes. Nothing excites me more than verbal memes culled from goofy movies. Quote Animal House or Revenge of the Nerds to me, and I'm instantly a drippy mess.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How can I masturbate at work without getting caught?
-X-Rated At X-Fire
Dear X-Rated,
  Unless you're a toll collector, simply grab a newspaper, find a bathroom stall and go to town. If it's a private bathroom, you're golden. Otherwise, simply groan loudly and flip through the newspaper when anyone comes in. No one will interrupt you if it sounds like you're showing Number Two who's boss.

Dear Bastard,
  Why can't you get your head out of your ass?
- Bastard Hater
Dear Bastard Hater,
  I'm fine, as long as I don't leave it up there long enough that my hair starts to grow in. That stubble hooks into my delicate rectal tissue like steel-belted Velcro. I'm then forced to wait another two weeks until the hair grows long enough that it's silky soft and bendable. Only then am I able to remove my head from my poor, distended anus.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How much sex is considered too much sex, thereby deeming a person as a nympho?
- Crazy About Booty
Dear Crazy,
  The short answer is, more than you or I will ever get. Okay, maybe not you. It's probably just me. I'll bet you get laid on a regular basis, without having to beg or spend your rent money.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why is cheese so ridiculously delicious?
- Dairy Queen
Dear Dairy,
  It's squirted out of a cow, completely re-processed by busy little bacteria, and then extruded into little vacuum sealed plastic containers or pressed into tubes for eventual slicing by that sweaty guy at the deli. What's not to love?