Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I was wondering if you'd explain this little quote. I overheard it at the mall today and my ears have been bleeding ever since...
"Sometimes blonds eat the beach, sometimes they eat a hotdog stand...the point is friend, they all eat."
Thank you.
- Suffering from stupidity (not mine...other's)
Dear Suffering,
  It sounds to me as if you overheard a conversation between two Godzilla scholars. They were obviously speaking in code so as not to alarm passersby with their description of the unusually destructive eating habits of the legendary radioactive lizard.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Who is the coolest person you know (not met, not read about but actually know on a personal level)? And then you can tell me all about the coolest person you have met and read about... :)
- Kurious Kitty
Hold On There, Kurious,
  That's way too many related questions for my brain to process right now. Let me answer the first part with something that sounds no less cliche' for being absolutely true. The coolest people I know personally are my parents. Mom and Dad Bastard are still married, unlike 80 percent of my friends' parents. Also, they had a very clear idea of when to stop raising me.
  My parents didn't let me get away with too much stupid shit when I was a kid, but after a certain age they understood that it was no longer appropriate to meddle directly in my affairs. They are happy to offer advice, support, and even constructive criticism from time to time, but they are very good about treating me like an adult. They don't pry into my life, they don't offer unsolicited solutions to my problems, and they never, ever lecture me. They are the most awesome Mom and Dad a Bastard could have, and I appreciate them more every time I hear a friend tell a "my Mom won't shut up" story.

Dear Bastard:
  I'm getting married next year and need to make a few extra bucks. Do you think I would make a suitable addition to my local tittie bar?
- Shaking my Money Maker
Dear Shaking,
  As long as you have the required mammaries and the slimmest grasp of rythmic dancing, I don't see how you can lose. Give a man a few beers, and he'll stuff a dollar in the thong of even the skankiest ho. You might want to check with your fiancee on this, though. If he shows up with his buddies for the bachelor party and finds you leaving a slime trail down a fireman's pole, he might start having second thoughts.