Whaddaya know.
  When I write the word "porn," traffic jumps.

  Porn porn porn porn porn.


  Porn.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  where can you go check out a porn flick being filmed here in Los angeles?
- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
  About 20 miles Northwest of L.A. lies the city of Chatsworth, California. Chatsworth is the putative capital of an area that is referred to, completely without irony, as "Porn Valley." A good amount of the pornography consumed in the United States (particularly the more mainstream flavors) is produced in that area.

  I don't know about any studio's policy regarding tours or fans visiting sets, but I suspect that they discourage it. They wouldn't want you to see the sex for free, and the tedium of a film set might permanently put you off the product.

  The good news is, there are hundreds of companies within a few square miles competing to fulfill your demand for gooey facials. If you grab the yellow pages and start calling any company that has "Entertainment" or "Media" or "Video" in its name, it won't take you long to get an adult company, and you might get a few of them to give you a set visit if you claim to be a big fan.

  If you really want an all-access pass to porn, go get an undergraduate film degree, and then get a job as a Production Assistant. Then you'll get to see live XXX action, while simultaneously being paid a pittance to write down numbers on a clipboard and stick labels on things.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why do they have writing credits on porn movies? Does somebody write all the "ooh baby oh baby?"
- Hey Everybody Likes Porn

Dear HELP,
  Nobody's sitting in front of a keyboard typing out every grunt and groan. Those are pretty much spontaneous. There might be a hit list of positions that the performers are supposed to contort themselves into, but that type of pre-shoot planning probably happens between the actors and the director.

  However, you can bet that the dialog in any non-sex interlude has been pre-scripted, at least in a general way. The performers don't decide on the spot that the guy should dress up as a plumber, and the four girls with the gigantic dildo should pretend to be a cash-strapped sorority with a clogged sink.

  As a general rule of thumb, the bigger the budget and the more involved the "story" surrounding the hot XXX action, the more likely it is that somebody wrote down the lines ahead of time. If it's an amateur production, the pale flabby guy getting head from the wan-looking blond is probably the director, producer and cameraman as well as the male star. Chances are he's spent too much time at the mall chatting up desperate women, offering to pay for lunch in exchange for on-camera sex, to be able to come up with a compelling scenario. Everything beyond the semi-competent blowjob is probably improvised.

Voting commences.
  Now's the time to weigh in on the awesomeness (or not) of the illustrated entries I've been dabbling with lately. Set your browser to stun and hit me up at www.littlebaldbastard.com, or click here to vote without your mom seeing my site in your browser history.