Question #120: A Fine Meth

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Can you tell me how to make crystal meth?
- Every Third Visitor to This Blog

Dear Every Third Visitor to This Blog,
  I know you're out there. My sensitive scalp - and my StatCounter service - tell me that approximately one in three of the people who wander past this site wind up here because I once made a sarcastic reference comparing my skill at making crystal meth with the competence of the Emmy voters. Thanks to Google, I'm now some kind of creepy, deserted side street on the pilgrimage to chemical entrepreneurship, right after "Here's A Good Idea," and just before "I'm The Prom Queen of Cellblock D!"

  Until a catastrophic event wipes out the Internet, and sends us all back to drawing cleverly captioned pictures of cats on the walls of caves, I'll be stuck with my status as a false lead for wannabe drug kingpins. In hopes of hastening the LOLpocalypse just a tad, I offer you my 100% foolproof recipe for making crystal meth. Please note that making, taking, selling, and probably even thinking about meth are all extremely dangerous and very illegal. Don't expect me to bail you out or pitch in for your hospital bill if you screw something up.

  Please be sure to read instructions completely before proceeding.


Ingredients
  In order to make drugs of heart-stoppingly high quality, you will need the following items:
* 1 bottle anhydrous ammonia
* 14 boxes pseudoephedrine-based decongestant
* 1 bottle drain cleaner (sulphuric acid)
* 2 cannisters camping fuel or propane
* box wooden matches
* cigarette lighter
* box unbleached coffee filters
* Hammer
* Mortar and pestle
* Duct tape
* 1 five-gallon plastic bucket
* 1 wooden spoon
* scissors

Preparation
  Place all ingredients on a sturdy table in a sealed room, preferably with no windows. Use duct tape to seal any cracks or spaces which might allow suspicious fumes to escape.

  Using scissors, remove heads from entire box of wooden matches. Place match heads in stainless steel bowl. Dispose of match sticks.

  Using mortar and pestle, grind decongestant pills into a coarse powder.

  Pour ammonia into bucket. Add drain cleaner, pouring slowly.

  Using wooden spoon, stir powdered decongestant into liquid mixture.

  Slowly pour match heads onto mixture. Try to distribute them in an even layer on top of the mixture.

  Using hammer, remove valves from fuel cannisters. Allow cannisters to drain until hissing sound stops.

  Using cigarette lighter, ignite the layer of match heads in the bucket.

  The resulting explosion should neatly remove you from the gene pool, and will hopefully serve as a warning to your dumbass friends that running an illegal drug lab full of volatile chemicals is a suicidally stupid idea.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

A Shout-out to the Meth Dealers and Users in the Audience

  A few years ago, I expressed my contempt for lavish entertainment industry awards shows by sniffing disdainfully at the Emmys. I compared the networks' skill at creating quality television with my own (total lack of) skill at making crystal meth. As part of my snark, I ran a quick search for instructions on operating a meth lab, and linked to a couple of the pages that came up.

  Enter a group called 1800NoDrugs, which offers referral services for drug users looking to get into rehab. They've created a website at methamphetamines.org which, through clever use of keywords, comes up in a search for instructions on making meth. Budding entrepreneurs looking for an all cash opportunity, and desperate junkies looking to do a little homebrewing, go out on the web looking for help in setting up their labs and wind up getting advice on finding a residential treatment program.

  I'm all for a little subterfuge in the pursuit of helping drug addicts get clean. I don't give a puddle of opiate-laced urine what people put into their bodies, but if a search for tips on manufacturing drugs misleads someone into getting help for a life-sodomizing dependency, that's fine by me.

  The confusing bit is that, after the offer for help in finding a rehab program, methamphetamines.org lists other links for meth-making info. It's as if the site is saying "Oops, sorry for wasting your time with an offer of potentially life-saving help. Here's that information you wanted on using volatile chemicals to make an addictive substance." Seriously? Make the wannabes go back to Google if they're that determined to be drug kingpins.

  I'm flogging this particular equine-American because, by virtue of its included links, my long-ago Emmy-bashing post wound up in this list of "crystal meth making instructions Resources." Which means that I get a few hits a week from people who are, one assumes, looking for help in playing Trailer Crack: The Home Game.

  So, here's a friendly nod to the meth dealers and users wandering by. If the shakes subside long enough, feel free to browse around. Sorry, but you won't find any drug manufacturing instructions here. And in case you're wondering, I still don't watch the Emmys.

EDIT: I have caved to popular pressure and posted a sure-fire recipe for making crystal meth. Start building your drug empire here.