Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Someone recently asked me if I was good in bed. How can I tell if I am? How do you know you are?
- Vexed
Dear Vexed,
  You know you're good in bed if, after sex, you and your partner collapse in a sweaty, exhausted, satisfied heap, arms and legs akimbo, and lie there together for a few minutes, savoring the afterglow.
  Also, if she says something complimentary and gives you your $100 bill back, that's a good sign too.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How do you keep your head so nice and bald? I've heard rumors that you used to be a longhair and you then you cut it. Is this true?
- Whitley Supreme
Dear Whitley,
  True enough, I did once have hair that was longer and prettier than your sister's. Truth is, I got tired of having to wash it. Now, it's an occasional clipping, irregular shaving, and lots of bleeding scalp wounds that keep my head so fresh and so clean.