CNN.com: Late To The Party

  CNN.com apparently just noticed that the author of The Secret is getting rich by preying on the fears and desires of the desperate, credulous masses. Seriously, CNN? I was griping about this back in March, and even then it wasn't particularly breaking news. How are you just getting around to this now?

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I heard you were in law school. How can you be that AND be such a slacker?
- Genevieve

Dear Genevieve,

Typical Answer: Thanks to secret alien time-travel technology, I was able to compete all three years of studying during one epic night on the toilet in 1963. Every Saturday night, I fire up the machine and pop back to pick up my completed assignments for the following week. This leaves my weeknights free for choking my liver with cheap vodka and posting angry screeds in random Livejournal communities.

"Aw, Snap!" Answer: The same way you find time to be such a bitch.

"Your Mom" Answer: My schedule is pretty open now that I've finally stopped banging your mom every night.

Passive Aggressive Answer: I have a lot more free time since I stopped hanging out in dank alleys, blowing strange men for crack. You should try it.

  That clicking sound you just heard was Genevieve deleting me from her bookmarks. Pretty soon, my readership number will actually be negative.