Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Too much of today's music seems too be filled with underwelming rap-metal and god-awful teen pop. There have been rays of light with such new talent as The Hives, The White Stripes, The Strokes, and Andrew W.K., but they keep getting overshadowed by crap. Is there any hope in today's music?
- Concerned in South Jersey
Dear Concerned,
  Let's be honest here. If the bands you like ever get as big as Limp Bizkit, you'll drop them in a second, and complain bitterly about them selling out. You need your favorite bands to be "overshadowed by crap" to keep your indy cred intact. Otherwise, your music store buddies will look down on you as just another populist.
  I am by no means suggesting that I appreciate much of what passes for popular music these days. The thing is, when viewed up close, the vast majority of music in any era really sucks ass. Time has a way of filtering out the crap, so that when we look at the early 90's, we remember grunge and gangsta-rap, and forget that Right Said Fred and Color Me Badd had #1 singles.
  The only thing I can really recommend is waiting about 15 years. By then, Britney and Avril and (insert boy group here) will have faded like Bobby Brown. If the artists on your list are really any good, chances are you'll be hearing about them long after the current pop-bubble has burst like an ass-pimple.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why the hell are you here at Rowan?
- Wondering Myself
Dear Wondering,
  I was attracted to Rowan for the spacious living areas, small class sizes, attractive campus, abundant parking, and their dedication to fostering appreciation for the arts in South Jersey.
  Obviously, I have got to stop smoking the crack.

Dear Little Baldy,
 Who’s da man?
- Just Kidding, It’s Me
Dear Kidding,
  I am a caucasian, male, heterosexual, who was raised Protestant. Hell, I even have blue eyes. It looks like I’m the man. But don’t sweat it. I’m going to stop holding everybody down as soon as I get a couple million dollars and a harem of supermodels.

Dear Mister Bald Bastard,
  Why did the dish run away with the spoon?
- Jimmy, Washington Twp.
Dear Jimmy,
  It's simple, really. She was looking for a good forking.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  If you could be Madonna from any pop-culture time period, which would you be?
- Desperately Seeking Something
Dear Desperately,
  That's a tough call. There's the early "frilly white dress and innocent sexuality" Madonna. There's the "I'd really like to be Marilyn Monroe" Madonna. Most recently, there's the "I'm so happy to be a British mum" Madonna.
  I think, though, that I'm holding out for "dried-up old crone" Madonna. If she has any decency at all, she'll stop performing in public. If not, then watching her drag her craggy ass around a stage like Mick Jagger's little sister will be pathetic enough to be a must-see.