From the Fucktard Files,

  Meet Ken Ham, president of biblical literalist foundation Answers In Genesis. On Monday, Mr. Ham shared this insight with the world. Science class leads to hopelessness, which leads to rampant abortion, which leads directly to EVERBODY MURDERS EACH OTHER OMFG!!1!

  In his own words:

We live in an era when public high schools and colleges have all but banned God from science classes. In these classrooms, students are taught that the whole universe, including plants and animals—and humans—arose by natural processes. Naturalism (in essence, atheism) has become the religion of the day and has become the foundation of the education system (and Western culture as a whole). The more such a philosophy permeates the culture, the more we would expect to see a sense of purposelessness and hopelessness that pervades people’s thinking. In fact, the more a culture allows the killing of the unborn, the more we will see people treating life in general as “cheap.”

  I wonder how Mr. Ham would react to this piece by Harvard psychology professor Steven Pinker. First published in March by The New Republic, the essay ties together conclusions from several studies which suggest that the modern world is far less violent that it was in the past. But Mr. Ham, shouldn't a society like we live in now, founded in part on the separation of church and state, and excluding religion from the science classroom, be a more violent, awful place to live?

  I'll be the first to admit that a correlation between greater respect for and belief in science and the increased civility of the world doesn't mean that one has caused the other. Still, it's at least noteworthy that the world has become an empirically less violent place as science has supplanted religion in our education.

  It also flies in the face of the typical fundy claim that nonbelievers are inherently amoral, because we don't have a supernatural being handing us our codes of conduct on a stone tablet. Surprise, Mr. Ham. Im in ur society, not believing in ur god, and yet millions of people just like me manage to get through every day without going on a murderous rampage. Apparently, the world has become a far less nasty place since our ideas have gotten more influential. The next time you're tempted to connect horrible violence to the teaching of evolution by drawing a line through abortion, try to keep that in mind.

Attention Ladies,
also, people who know ladies.

  If you are pregnant, or are going to be pregnant, and you are going to have a complication which could cause you severe, crippling health problems if you complete the gestation, make sure you have those complications before the middle of the second trimester. Otherwise, the government is going to force you to carry the baby to term.

  President Bush finally has his legacy. His conservative Supreme Court is going to haunt us for decades.

Dear fucking MySpace,

  Why in hell do I have to have my "Zodiac sign" in my profile? Astrology is the vestigial-tailed, microcephalic, basement-dwelling third cousin of legitimate Astronomy. What it lacks in understanding of physical principles is made worse by its total inability to predict anything.

  I don't want to give anyone who wanders across my profile reason to suspect that I subscribe to an idiotic pseudoscience, and I resent the fact that I don't have the option of removing this item from my profile. Why is it that my height, a measurable, observable figure, is an optional profile item, but an arbitrary assignation of a star sign is fixed and not subject to removal? I should be able to choose whether or not this field is viewable in my profile. Tom, let's get on that.

Audacity, Thy Name is Winfrey
 
  Oprah has an appalling track record as the self-appointed caretaker of the nonfiction bestseller lists. She was suckered by revisionist "autobiographer" James Frey's largely made-up memoir A Million Little Pieces. She's the ringleader of a vast conspiracy which has convinced America that Dr. Phil is anything more than a self-important busybody. Recently, she's been touting the psychobabble donkeypunch that is The Secret.

  After this continued disservice to her audience and the reading public, it seems that Oprah is wrangling for a karmic comeback. The latest nonfiction nugget her "O"ness is touting is Scam-Proof Your Life: 377 Smart Ways to Protect You and Your Family from Rip-Offs, Bogus Deals, and Other Consumer Headaches, by consumer reporter and AARP columnist Sid Kirchheimer. As the title suggests, the book purports to help the average, non-media-empress-with-a-team-of-lawyers person recognize and avoid fraud and duplicity in his or her everyday life.

  (Disclosure time; I haven't read Scam-Proof Your Life, nor do I have plans to. If you want to squawk about that, you're cordially invited to eat me. This isn't a book review.)

  The reviews I've read suggest that the author is knowledgeable and the book well-written and informative, which automatically sets Scam-Proof Your Life apart from the average Oprah-endorsed tome. It inevitably leads one - at least one as cynical and suspicious as myself - to wonder if Oprah isn't subtly trying to atone for having lead her viewers astray so often. Minus an actual apology or acknowledgment of a mistake, of course. Like I said, subtly.

  Of course, the really cynical take is likely the more realistic explanation. In that singularly gloomy worldview, Oprah doesn't know or care that she's continually lead her viewers into the wilderness of unabashed credulity. Rather, her feature of Scam-Proof is just a tip of the hat to the "fear sells" mantra that is a mainstay of political rhetoric. Convince people that the world is out to eat their children, and they'll vote (or spend) for anything they think will keep them marginally safer.

  If anything, Oprah's probably patting herself on the back and, grudgingly, I'd have to say that she might even deserve some kudos. Instead of an irrational, local-news style "your dog's poop may kill you" report, this book might actually have something substantive to contribute to protecting people from fraud. Hopefully, the second edition will have a chapter called "Talk Shows Aren't A Good Place To Learn Important Life Lessons: Oprah, The Secret, and the Death of Rationality." Or maybe something that isn't so subtle.

How To Hate The Internet
A Young Lady's Primer

1. Receive Friend Request from stranger on fucking MySpace.

2. View suspiciously professional looking headshot.

3. Suspect spambot.

4. Attempt to discern if requester is a real person; open requester's profile.

5. Forget that speakers are powered on.

6. Claw frantically at head as horrible, grating pop song, obnoxious, eye-watering layout and promises of "more naughtier pics at my site" cause brainmeats to sublimate and stream from head holes.

7. Wait for seizures to abate.

8. Decline Friend Request.