Ask the Little Bald Bastard

Dear LBB,
  If you could be raised by a pack of wild animals, what animal would you pick?
- Zoo Dude
Dear Zoo Dude,
  I'm particularly partial to camels. Ugly, gangly, and not willing to take shit from anything with two legs. Plus, I've always like the sound of the word "dromedary".

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  To have a good time, what number should I call?
- Lonely Weekends
Dear Lonely,
  If you're like me, and unable to communicate beyond a series of grunts and whistles, don't bother using the phone. Simply open your window and scream your frustration to the surrounding environs. The friends you make once you're thrown into a county holding cell will definitely spice up your social situation.

Hey Sailor,
  Howzabout a date?
- Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge
Dear Wink Wink,
  Although I'm naturally tempted by such a smooth, polished line, I'm afraid that I'll have to pass. It only took one stalking experience to put me off dating by mail. I tried to explain to the police that I was just passing by her building every night for a month, but they didn't buy it.