I hear you have a beautiful girlfriend,
  who isn't:
A) little
B) bald
C) or a bastard
...how'd you get her?
-in love with your girlfriend
Dear In Love,
  What can I say? There's something very attractive about college graduates who work in retail. Women are overwhelmed. All you have to do is labor way below your potential, and you'll have chicks up to your eyebrows. But don't fool yourself. There isn't a single one of those bottom feeders who's half as smart or attractive as my girlfriend. She was obviously a gift from the patron saint of sarcastic advice columnists, and as such is way out of your league. And mine, now that I think about it.

Dear LBB,
  In a past life did you work at hell pit called Regal? I also heard that you are in a comic book. In it they say you have a spider scribbled on your shiney Dome. Are either of these true?
-Kevin Oscar Myers

P.S. I have a bunch of divits in my head, one is from getting hit by a ski lift. Will lard help them?

Dear Kevin,
  It is true what they tell you. I did, for five months in mid-2001, support my bastardly existence by working as a projectionist for the Regal Cinema in Turnersville, NJ. Although I don't remember a pit of any sort, the smell of the xenon projector bulbs was suspiciously reminiscent of brimstone.
  Sadly, I was never actually in a comic book. However, I did rip off my look (and, now that I think about it, the bulk of my personality) from a fabulous nugget of graphic storytelling called Transmetropolitan, written by Warren Ellis and illustrated by Darick Robertson. The main character, Spider Jerusalem, is a journalist in a far future America. He's sort of a cross between Hunter S. Thompson and Attila the Hun. He's also bald and sarcastic, so do the math.
  Incidentally, lard, taken internally, will fill your arteries with delicious plaque, but will do very little for your deformed scalp. But if you smear it into the grooves, smooth it over with a putty knife, and cover it with an appropriate shade of concealer, it should go a long way toward making your gouged cranium appear intact.