Ask the Little Bald Bastard

I hear you have a beautiful girlfriend,
  who isn't:
A) little
B) bald
C) or a bastard
...how'd you get her?
-in love with your girlfriend
Dear In Love,
  What can I say? There's something very attractive about college graduates who work in retail. Women are overwhelmed. All you have to do is labor way below your potential, and you'll have chicks up to your eyebrows. But don't fool yourself. There isn't a single one of those bottom feeders who's half as smart or attractive as my girlfriend. She was obviously a gift from the patron saint of sarcastic advice columnists, and as such is way out of your league. And mine, now that I think about it.