Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I'm thinking about having your profile tattooed to my ass...which is your best side?
  What's better, dating someone below your potential so you get to walk around feeling superior but still have to wake up every morning next to them, or date far above your potential, get to wake up to THAT, but have to walk around feeling inadaquate?
- Love, Slight Taller Man with Hair
Dear Slightly,
  - My best side is generally whichever side you can't see. Although all you'd really have to do is have a pair of sunglasses drawn on your ass. I'm sure the resemblance to my face would be remarkable.
  - If you're going to do it, why not do it right? Who gives a shit if you feel inadequate? I feel inadequate enough when I look at myself, let alone at somebody else. If you can secure yourself the pleasure of going home to an attractive partner, go for it. Just be honest with yourself. If you're going to feel so outclassed that you're unable to keep from crying anytime someone flirts with your partner, forget it. Your self-doubt might lead you into the kind of jealousy that always seems to result in a restraining order.

Dear LBB,
  What is the last single-word entry you used in a search engine?
- Happy Googler
Dear Googler,
  ”Self-loathing.” (Hyphenated words count, right?)

Hey, Bastard,
  What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard?
- Mike 354
Dear Mike,
  Pickup lines are, by definition, awful. Trying to convince a person to take a sex break with you in one sentence is one of the most absurd notions ever devised by a desperate male population. The only thing more pathetic than the attempt is the rare success story. Using a pickup line is sad; falling for one is depressing beyond comprehension.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Whose face would you least like to see on a t-shirt?
- Rabid Silk Screener
Dear Rabid,
  Mine in the morning. Between the pillow creases and the drool, my freshly-wakened mug looks like something you’d scrape off the bottom of a sewage treatment worker’s hip-waders.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What’s your favorite deadly sin?
- Piz-ope Griz-egory
Dear P.G.,
  As far as I’m concerned, overuse of commas is far more heinous than a little sloth. If I had to pick, I’d go with lust. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all fun, but lust is the only one that could conceivably lead to a Bastard getting a little action. If pride or envy could get me laid, I might change my tune.

Dear LBB,
  Who are you, anyway?
- Agent Mulder
Dear Agent,
  From before the dawn of time I came, moving down through the ages, wielding my sarcasm like a… okay, enough bullshit. I’m bitter old man trapped in the body of a bitter youngish man. I can be found working shitty retail jobs, and crying softly to myself at night.