Ask the Little Bald Bastard

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How do you keep your head so nice and bald? I've heard rumors that you used to be a longhair and you then you cut it. Is this true?
- Whitley Supreme
Dear Whitley,
  True enough, I did once have hair that was longer and prettier than your sister's. Truth is, I got tired of having to wash it. Now, it's an occasional clipping, irregular shaving, and lots of bleeding scalp wounds that keep my head so fresh and so clean.