Ask the Little Bald Bastard

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What's the best cure for a head cold?
  What do you do when you're not busy being bastardly?
  How come I'm so sexy?
  How YOU doin'?
Signed,
Really Fucking Bored in Medford
Dear RFB,
  The best cure for a head cold is to simply not have a head. If you don't have access to a guillotine, simply lie down with your neck resting comfortably on the train tracks. You'll be rid of the cold, and have the satisfaction of haunting some poor Amtrak operator with the image of your exploded head for the rest of his miserable, drunken life.
  When I'm not handing out bitter, angry advice, I work in retail, and attend classes at Rowan University. Which explains why my advice is so often bitter and angry.
  You're probably so sexy because of that see-through shirt you accidentally wore to work.
  I'm doin' fine. Puttering around the Bald Cave, cleaning rotten fruits and vegetables out of my kitchen. Looking forward to another Christmas working in the mall. But hey, at least I'm not getting raped in the shower by a lifer known only as "Bulk."