Ask the Little Bald Bastard

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Let's say someone you love and care about is about to be kidnapped by zombie carnival folk. That person will be forced to be their slave for the rest of her natural born life with NO hope of advancement or escape. In order to save her, you would have to get the word KRAFT (yes, that's right, as in the Mac and Cheese) tattooed on your forehead. Now, how would you break the news that she would forever be living with the carnies?
Sincerely,
John Smith
Dear John,
  I don't know exactly. Does Hallmark make an "Enjoy Shoveling Elephant Shit for the Rest of Your Life" card?