Ask the Little Bald Bastard

LBB goes international with a question
from a reader in Odessa, Ukraine.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  SORRY!I know English very BED!but - what is BASTARD??? - This is NAME?or other!???
OHAAI - this is STATE!???

BY!!!
- Platon Grant

Dear Platon Grant,
  Don't worry about your "bed" English, Platon. You're slightly more intelligible than your average teen l33t-5p34k moron. If it helps, you know far more of English than I know of Russian.

  In English, "bastard" is an old, insulting term for a person whose parents are not married. In modern America, children of unmarried parents have become more common and accepted, and the word has come to mean a person (usually male) who is rude or unfriendly. Add it to the list of nouns that have one meaning, but are also used to describe people you don't like. "Dick," "bitch," "asshole" and "fucktard" are all examples.

  In my case, "bastard" is used in the second, less literal sense. My parents were, and are still, happily married. It's almost creepy. When I call myself a "bastard," I'm telling the world that I am a cranky, ill-tempered misanthrope. Also, "Little Bald Cock" sounded like the title of a bad, basement-made porn movie.