Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why won't they let me sleep?
- Fatigued in Fishtown
Dear Fatigued,
  They're only after your sweet eye juices. That's what crows need to give them the strength to lift roadkill twice their size. Distract them with a freshly squished opossum, or a plate of mummified ferret. Otherwise, prepare to surrender your precious bodily fluids to the rapacious avian scourge.
  Or, just close your window at night.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How do you get a frightened ferret out of your dryer vent?
- Kendrick in 'da boro
Dear Kendrick,
  So many questions occur that, frankly, I'd rather not have answers to. If avoiding the ferret in the vent altogether isn't an option, here are a few tips from my pamphlet, entitled Pets and You: How to Keep from Accidentally Killing Them.
- Reverse psychology: Your pet probably believes he his the smarter member of your dynamic duo. Simply act like you can't figure out where he's gone, and the urge to feel superior will drive him to quit the vent and "reveal" his whereabouts.
- Compliments: Ferrets like to have their egos massaged. In fact, he's probably hiding because you named him "Mr. Wriggly," instead of "The Mighty Cricket-Eater." Whisper to him in your best I'm-in-awe-of-your-amazing-ferretness voice, and he'll be out of the vent and nesting in the couch in no time.
- Run the dryer overnight: Only as a last resort, since in the morning you'll have mummified ferret, which I hear is fabulous with a Camembert and a chilled white wine.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Why does the sun shine?

Sincerely,

- Jon
Endicott, NY
Dear Jon,
  As They Might Be Giants once said, the sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace. While this is technically correct, it's also far from the complete story. The sun is also the largest local gravitational force. It's busily pulling on everything around it, trying like hell to drag a large enough object into our orbit that a collision with the Earth will wipe out the human race, allowing us to eventually be replaced by something that's not only intelligent, but nice. The shining is only a side effect.