Question #120: A Fine Meth

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Can you tell me how to make crystal meth?
- Every Third Visitor to This Blog

Dear Every Third Visitor to This Blog,
  I know you're out there. My sensitive scalp - and my StatCounter service - tell me that approximately one in three of the people who wander past this site wind up here because I once made a sarcastic reference comparing my skill at making crystal meth with the competence of the Emmy voters. Thanks to Google, I'm now some kind of creepy, deserted side street on the pilgrimage to chemical entrepreneurship, right after "Here's A Good Idea," and just before "I'm The Prom Queen of Cellblock D!"

  Until a catastrophic event wipes out the Internet, and sends us all back to drawing cleverly captioned pictures of cats on the walls of caves, I'll be stuck with my status as a false lead for wannabe drug kingpins. In hopes of hastening the LOLpocalypse just a tad, I offer you my 100% foolproof recipe for making crystal meth. Please note that making, taking, selling, and probably even thinking about meth are all extremely dangerous and very illegal. Don't expect me to bail you out or pitch in for your hospital bill if you screw something up.

  Please be sure to read instructions completely before proceeding.


Ingredients
  In order to make drugs of heart-stoppingly high quality, you will need the following items:
* 1 bottle anhydrous ammonia
* 14 boxes pseudoephedrine-based decongestant
* 1 bottle drain cleaner (sulphuric acid)
* 2 cannisters camping fuel or propane
* box wooden matches
* cigarette lighter
* box unbleached coffee filters
* Hammer
* Mortar and pestle
* Duct tape
* 1 five-gallon plastic bucket
* 1 wooden spoon
* scissors

Preparation
  Place all ingredients on a sturdy table in a sealed room, preferably with no windows. Use duct tape to seal any cracks or spaces which might allow suspicious fumes to escape.

  Using scissors, remove heads from entire box of wooden matches. Place match heads in stainless steel bowl. Dispose of match sticks.

  Using mortar and pestle, grind decongestant pills into a coarse powder.

  Pour ammonia into bucket. Add drain cleaner, pouring slowly.

  Using wooden spoon, stir powdered decongestant into liquid mixture.

  Slowly pour match heads onto mixture. Try to distribute them in an even layer on top of the mixture.

  Using hammer, remove valves from fuel cannisters. Allow cannisters to drain until hissing sound stops.

  Using cigarette lighter, ignite the layer of match heads in the bucket.

  The resulting explosion should neatly remove you from the gene pool, and will hopefully serve as a warning to your dumbass friends that running an illegal drug lab full of volatile chemicals is a suicidally stupid idea.
YOU'RE WELCOME.