Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Which is worse, loading a newborn feet first into a blender to make baby smoothies OR grinding up a couple old people to make sausage?
- Worse Witch
Dear Worse,
  It depends. Is the baby already dead? Are the old people war criminals? If you really want to put me in a moral bind, you'll have to be much more specific.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What was your best hallucination?
- Trippin' Curious
Dear T.C.,
  That one where Satan took me up on that mountain, and he showed me the whole world, and said I could rule it all if I'd only swear allegiance to him. That one was sweet.
  Wait, was that me? I can never remember...

Dear LBB,
  Why don't girls take shits?
- Scatologist
Dear Scatologist,
  I was once read the riot act by an old girlfriend for asking the very same question. While her response was harsh and belittling to my manhood, it boiled down to two points.
1) Girls don't "shit," they "defecate."
2) As far as I was concerned, she didn't defecate, either.
  After she dumped me, I spent many months scanning the newspaper in hopes of reading about her inevitable death from exploding intestines. Alas, it never happened.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Jigga what?
- Boro Thug
Dear Boro Thug,
  You've got me. I'm stumped.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What if God smoked cannabus (sic)?
- Jesus Stole My Stash
Dear J.S.M.S,
  It wouldn't be that odd, really. If you ascribe to the New Testament assertion that Jesus was, in fact, God, then it isn't all that big a stretch to see God as a wandering hippie. He certainly drank enough wine, and in the Gospel of Mark he spends 40 days in the desert hallucinating. Whether he was tripping on something, or just freaking out because he hadn't eaten for over a month is a matter for some debate, but God certainly has a history of experiencing altered states of consciousness. And that's ignoring the obvious platypus joke.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  If you consume 32 ounces of strawberry-banana smoothies, what's the worst thing that can happen to you?
- Smoothie Addict
Dear Smoothie Addict,
  Probably paying $4.00 for a drink that you could make at home by spending 30 seconds to blend 75 cents worth of ingredients.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How much is that doggy in the window (Woof Woof), the one with the with the waggily tail?
- The Slut Boat
Dear Slut Boat,
  Relatively inexpensive, until you figure in the cost of food, trips to the vet, and having your furniture reupholstered after your excitable new puppy decides to let you know how happy he is to see you by showering an entire room with urine. Then again, balanced against the type of unconditional love that you'll never receive from any human being, a couch that smells like pee might not be so bad.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Bachelor #1: If I were an ice cream cone, how would you eat me?
- Bachelorette
Dear Bachelorette,
  Out of a cup. Otherwise, I'd be likely to drop you on the floor to be licked up by a stray dog.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What's the best way to get rid of unwanted killer mold?
- Crossings Clueless
Dear Clueless,
  As opposed to all that welcome killer mold? First, go bang your face solidly against the refrigerator. This won't help with the mold: it's your punishment for phrasing your question so stupidly. Have someone take a picture of your broken, bloody visage, and email it to me. Once I'm satisfied that you've suffered enough, I'll help you get rid of the fanatical spores that even now are corroding your immune system.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I am a 24-year-old single female, and I possess no porn or sex toys of any kind. Is there something wrong with me?
- Idle but Agile Hands
Dear Idle,
  If you're satisfied with your solitary sexuality, then by all means keep at it. I myself am a regular worshipper at the temple of self-loving, and I can tell you that if you don't need any tactile or visual aids, you've got a major advantage. Some of us can't even get it up anymore without watching a videotape of one woman licking something off of another woman. And really, that's just sad.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Do I make you horny, baby? Do I?
- Austin Extra
Dear Austin,
  Oh god, yes. Nothing excites me more than verbal memes culled from goofy movies. Quote Animal House or Revenge of the Nerds to me, and I'm instantly a drippy mess.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How can I masturbate at work without getting caught?
-X-Rated At X-Fire
Dear X-Rated,
  Unless you're a toll collector, simply grab a newspaper, find a bathroom stall and go to town. If it's a private bathroom, you're golden. Otherwise, simply groan loudly and flip through the newspaper when anyone comes in. No one will interrupt you if it sounds like you're showing Number Two who's boss.

Dear Bastard,
  Why can't you get your head out of your ass?
- Bastard Hater
Dear Bastard Hater,
  I'm fine, as long as I don't leave it up there long enough that my hair starts to grow in. That stubble hooks into my delicate rectal tissue like steel-belted Velcro. I'm then forced to wait another two weeks until the hair grows long enough that it's silky soft and bendable. Only then am I able to remove my head from my poor, distended anus.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How much sex is considered too much sex, thereby deeming a person as a nympho?
- Crazy About Booty
Dear Crazy,
  The short answer is, more than you or I will ever get. Okay, maybe not you. It's probably just me. I'll bet you get laid on a regular basis, without having to beg or spend your rent money.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why is cheese so ridiculously delicious?
- Dairy Queen
Dear Dairy,
  It's squirted out of a cow, completely re-processed by busy little bacteria, and then extruded into little vacuum sealed plastic containers or pressed into tubes for eventual slicing by that sweaty guy at the deli. What's not to love?