Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why do people have to use silent letters? Seriously! They should just be eliminated.
- Fonetically Challenged

Dear Fonetically Challenged,
  Silent letters are artifacts from the slapped together, ad hoc conglomeration of words that is the English language. They are the linguistic equivalent of the appendix, glaring evidence that the language just sort of happened, without any conscious (or competent) guidance.

  Ditching silent letters would go a long way toward simplifying a notoriously difficult to learn language. Unfortunately, spelling nerds have opposed every effort. For those of us without any particular physical prowess or intellectual acumen, an obsession with perfect spelling gives us a rare opportunity to feel superior to more gifted individuals. We're not about to give up our secret weapon.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why is douche such a funny word?
- jenny

Dear jenny,
  Douche is a great word. First off, it's just fun to say. Douche, douche, douche, douche, douche. Like the best profanities, it's a single syllable that's easy to yell at the top of your lungs.

  Douche also has advantages over many of the traditional swear words. It fits into the "dirty" category of "things intended to go in a vagina" (see also: dildo) without the usual sexual connotation (see: dildo). As an insult, it carries the added bonus of association with the dreaded no-so-fresh feeling. When you call someone a douche, you're impliedly telling them they deserved to be jammed in a skanky vagina, in a way that will be pleasurable for no one. It's simultaneously skeevy and emasculating, like a crack whore who laughs at your teeny winky.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Dood srsly u suk!!1! soooo unfuny LOL!1!!
- ashk0r3

Attention all numbfuck, l33tsp34k douchebags,
  Wanking in chat rooms and knowing the first thing about coding does not make you a ninja. Real programmers (with real jobs) need to be able to communicate with their co-workers and superiors intelligibly, just like the rest of us. Get back to me when you manage to pass remedial English.

LBB goes international with a question
from a reader in Odessa, Ukraine.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  SORRY!I know English very BED!but - what is BASTARD??? - This is NAME?or other!???
OHAAI - this is STATE!???

BY!!!
- Platon Grant

Dear Platon Grant,
  Don't worry about your "bed" English, Platon. You're slightly more intelligible than your average teen l33t-5p34k moron. If it helps, you know far more of English than I know of Russian.

  In English, "bastard" is an old, insulting term for a person whose parents are not married. In modern America, children of unmarried parents have become more common and accepted, and the word has come to mean a person (usually male) who is rude or unfriendly. Add it to the list of nouns that have one meaning, but are also used to describe people you don't like. "Dick," "bitch," "asshole" and "fucktard" are all examples.

  In my case, "bastard" is used in the second, less literal sense. My parents were, and are still, happily married. It's almost creepy. When I call myself a "bastard," I'm telling the world that I am a cranky, ill-tempered misanthrope. Also, "Little Bald Cock" sounded like the title of a bad, basement-made porn movie.