You Need to Read This

  You. Yes, you. I don't care how little (or how much) you know or care about politics. I don't care how much you know or care about the Supreme Court, or the law in general. If you're a citizen of the United States, or you know someone who is, you need to read The Supreme Court: A User's Guide, by Dalia Lithwick of Slate. Why? Ms. Lithwick sums it up:

While the justices cannot bring down gas prices or bring home the troops, their decisions in the coming years will affect just about everything else: your rights regarding privacy, reproduction, speech and religion; how to count your vote and where your kids go to school; as well as your occupational and environmental protections. You name it, they'll decide it. Or they'll decide not to decide it (which may be even worse).

  You need to know what's happening in the Supreme Court, and the federal judiciary in general. You need to know that the Supreme Court is the only thing standing between you and the total abolition of your civil rights. If the Court abdicates its role of reviewing laws for constitutionality, Congress and the President will have free reign. (Free "reign." Get it?) If they agree that it's okay to start disenfranchising old people who don't have a favorite bible verse and college students who've ever discussed having an abortion, shipping them abroad to be waterboarded with crude oil drilled in your local park, and paying female torturers half as much as male torturers, while tapping the phones of their relatives, nobody will be able to stop them.

  I know this sounds alarmist, but sometimes a little bit of alarm is really goddam necessary. This is one of those times.

 WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?

PA House Fumbles Over Definition of "God"

  A routine resolution to formally recognize a convention taking place in Harrisburg stalled because the group in question practices the wrong religion.

  The 60th annual convention of the U.S. chapter of the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community is scheduled to take place in the state capital this weekend. Speaker Dennis O'Brien (R., Phila.) proposed the resolution for formal recognition by the House, noting the convention's mission to "increase faith and harmony and introduce various humanitarian, social and religious services."

  Unfortunately, there was a slight problem with the whole "Muslim" thing. Rep. Daryl Metcalfe (R., The Crusades) objected. "The Muslims do not recognize Jesus Christ as God," Mr. Metcalfe helpfully pointed out, "and I will be voting negative."

  After this impromptu lesson in comparative theology, Rep. Gordon Denlinger (R., Bigotry) tried to classy-up the debate by invoking September 11th.

"Certainly this nation went through an attack some years ago that is well-burned into the subconscious of our society," he said. "What I sense on our floor today is that, for some people, this evokes very strong passion and emotion."

  You know what else evokes strong passion and emotion? Legislators who fail to grasp the basic principles of the Constitution. I'll admit that I think the resolution itself is a bit of a time-waster; shouldn't the approval of their god be enough to sustain them? But to squash the resolution because the subjects don't worship the same god as you and your colleagues? You've in effect created a religious test for resolutions by a legislative body. And did you not notice that you've now said on the record that some portion of our state legislators hear the word "Muslim" and immediately think "terrorist?"

  Thank you, Reps. Metcalfe and Denlinger for showing the world just how intolerant and prejudiced Pennsylvania politics can get, over something as silly as a pat on the back for a locally scheduled convention. It's a proud day for all of us.

Random Political Pun (in Haiku)

Could a well built door
at a sandwich shop be a
super deli gate?

Question #124: Is Our Children Learning? Not For Long!

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Hey LBB, did you hear that Bush's 2009 budget kills the funding for the RIF [Reading Is Fundamental] program? Doesn't that suck?
- Wonk-a Wonk

Dear Wonk-a Wonk,
  Thank you, President Bush. Every time I think it's impossible to despise you and your disastrous presidency any harder, you find some way to become even more loathsome and horrible. It's as if you sense outrage fatigue setting in, and you make up your mind to prevent us from giving up on hating you.

  The latest salvo in the arms race of unconscionableness that is the Bush executive is an item in the President's 2009 budget. More accurately, it's something that's not included in the $3.1 trillion plan. The Bush Administraitor's proposal eliminates federal funding for the Reading Is Fundamental program, which has been part of every budget since 1975. From their website:

RIF is the oldest and largest children's and family nonprofit literacy organization in the United States. RIF’s highest priority is reaching underserved children from birth to age 8. Through community volunteers in every state and U.S. territory, RIF provides 4.5 million children with 16 million new, free books and literacy resources each year.

  I applaud you, sir. It's as if you scoured federal spending for the cutest, cuddliest puppy you could find, and then clubbed it to death on the south lawn as a sacrifice to the Gods of War (Iraq Regional Office).

  Here's an idea, loosely adapted from a lame bumper sticker. RIF is asking for $26 million in federal funding in fiscal year 2009. Each F-22 fighter costs in the neighborhood of $177 million. Maybe the Air Force could get by with one less this year, so some poor kids could get some free books? If you want, you can even use the leftover $151 million to fund some ridiculous and ineffective social program, like abstinence-only sex education.

  Fortunately, the curtain hasn't quite closed on this farce. There's still time to contact your legislators and urge them to restore RIF's funding. President Bush has been at the helm for the ruin of our economy, the trashing of our civil liberties, and the deaths of thousands of American soldiers. Don't let him threaten millions of American children with illiteracy.

Last Day to Register

  In case the small army of volunteers wandering about the city haven't made it out to your dank cave, today is the last day to register or update your voting records if you want to participate in the Pennsylvania presidential primary on April 22nd. This might not be terribly exciting for the Republicans, but Democrats should be peeing their pants in anticipation of the chance to cast a vote in a contested primary for the first time since Jesus created dinosaurs.

  Try not to let the fact that the Democratic nomination is going to be decided by the superdelegates dampen your spirits, guys.

  I find it absurdly fascinating that, in a close contest, where every single vote should theoretically be invaluable, the Democratic party has found a way to make individual voters irrelevant.

Question #122: Lobby Hobby

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How do you spend your time when you aren't being a tool on the Internets?
- Devil in the Details

Dear Devil in the Details,
  Although my voluminous post count belies it, I actually do have interests that don't involve telling strangers how stupid I think they are on the Internet. I like to read, I play a video game or two, and I have a lucrative business waxing badgers for private collectors.*

  The biggest chunk of my non-bastardly day is taken up by my studies. I'm in my second year of law school, which means I spend approximately eleventy million hours a week poring over casebooks.

  As part of my laws school experience, I lucked into an internship with Pennsylvanians For Modern Courts. PMC is a policy group working to reform the judiciary in Pennsylvania, and to educate citizens about how to access and navigate the courts.

  Coincidentally, we just launched a new blog, called JudgesOnMerit.org, which is all about our campaign to replace partisan election of appellate judges with a Merit Selection plan. I'll spare you my pro-Merit screed. I'll just say that I hadn't ever thought about judicial elections before November of 2007. Now I love Merit Selection like a pirate loves booty.

  If you like politics, if you're concerned about judicial fairness, or if you just want to help a bastard out, go take a look at JudgesOnMerit.org. See if you can recognize my writing when I'm not allowed to use profanity.

*You don't want to know how hard it is to get insurance.

I just had a thought...

  Political wonks will no doubt already know that President Bush has spent a little more than a third of his presidency on vacation. He's surpassed the previous record for personal travel by a sitting president, held by modern republican messiah Ronald Reagan.

  Take a minute to think about all of the stupid, appalling, ridiculous, evil shit that has gone on under the current administration. President Bush has managed to accomplish all of that with less time spent in the White House than any president in history. The man is either amazingly, ruthlessly efficient, or he's got an unbelievably motivated cadre of henchpersons. Either way, I think it's obvious that he's some kind of undercover supervillain. I doubt that even Voldemort could do better.

Sciencedebate 2008 Rally in Philly 3/14/2008

Hey, Philadelphia. If you'd like the presidential candidates to stop yammering about which version of god they like best, and start addressing vital science and technology issues, come on out to the Franklin Institute tomorrow and support Sciencedebate 2008!

Our economy is based almost entirely around science and technology. It's time for the people who want to be president to show that they can address these topics.

Sciencedebate 2008!

From the email:

Please join us FRIDAY MARCH 14 at a rally & press conference at the Franklin Institute to promote Science Debate 2008 and make some announcements. The media have been invited.

Climate change, America’s declining economic competitiveness in the new global knowledge economy, declining financial support for college and university students, declining research grants, and mounting scientific and engineering challenges (see Bill Gates’ testimony on our web site) unresolved environmental challenges and healthcare challenges directly affect our lives. We need you to come out and support this initiative.

Who: Shawn Otto and Matthew Chapman from Science Debate 2008 will join Dennis Wint, president of the Franklin Institute, and representatives from the National Academies, the Council on Competitiveness, Drexel, U-Penn, The Scientist, and Chemical Heritage Foundation at a rally and press conference. We want you to come!

When: Friday, March 14, 10:30 AM

Where: Franklin Hall, the Franklin Institute, 222 North 20th Street, Philadelphia

What: Rally & press conference

We hope to see you there!

Question #113:

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What's the best thing about being a blind, stupid, bleeding-heart, unrealistic, Satanloving, hellbound, hippie liberal cockface?
- One Nation Under GOD

Dear One Nation,
  I'd say it was the sense of smug superiority, but I suppose there's plenty of that at every point on the ideological spectrum. Self-righteous boobs of every political bent succumb to the temptation to cocoon themselves in the silky softness of like-minded opinion. Of course, affirmation addiction strikes non-political types as well. Without it, Michael Jackson might still have a nose and the Star Wars would likely have been Jar-Jar free.

  There are a lot of good things about being a liberal/progressive/lefty. Our girls are hotter. Our scientists don't waste time trying to prove that an invisible sky man made it all from scratch. Our gene pool tends to be broader and more diverse. We're allowed to acknowledge the cognitive dissonance that comes from a living in a country that listed equality as a sacred principle while simultaneously enshrining slavery in its founding document.

  On the whole though, the most awesome thing about being on the ideological left is the inevitable approbation of history. The progress of freedom and justice is a little like the stock market. In the short term, there are ups (Brown v. Board of Education) and downs (the USA PATRIOT Act). In the long term, it's all upward momentum. Social taboos evaporate and political barriers to individual expression erode. The doomsayers who warned that suffrage for women would ruin us, and that interracial marriage would destroy the American family, are dismissed as misguided fools. The uptight moralists claiming that gay marriage will tie "traditional" marriage to a stake and beat it to death with pink-handled hammers will eventually get the same treatment. Say what you will about self-confidence and the courage of your convictions, but it's awfully pleasant that history, and hindsight, keep proving us right. Er, correct.

One Thing Athiests Never Do:
Pray for the deaths of people who disagree with them.

  When Wiley Drake, pastor of a Baptist church in Buena Park, California, used church letterhead and a church-affiliated radio show to endorse former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's candidacy for president, it raised some red flags. Under federal tax law, non-profit organizations (religious or not) aren't allowed to endorse candidates. Those that do so risk losing their non-profit status, and the attending tax benefits.

  There's a minor piece of oft-ignored legal jargon called the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. It's supposed to keep religious zealots from interfering in government, and vice versa. Despite the creeping theocratic bent of the current administration, maintaining federal tax benefits for a religious organization that endorses candidates is still a no-no. So, a group called Americans United for Separation of Church and State asked the IRS to investigate the church's non-profit status.

  Instead of defending his actions, Drake called on his flock to join him in praying to their god for the deaths of two of Americans United's leaders. While I'm pretty confident that there's no grumpy bearded man in the sky, grinding fresh points onto a pair of lightning bolts and aiming for Americans United's headquarters, it does raise some interesting questions.

  Drake is asking for help to petition the omnipotent creator of the Universe to kill two human beings. How is that substantively different from trying to hire a hitman? The question of there actually being an omnipotent creator of the Universe is immaterial; Drake believes a god exists, and he's asked that god to pop a cap in his enemies.

  It's the belief that is the key here. If I believe that I've hired a hitman to kill someone, I've committed a crime. It doesn't matter if my "hitman" is an undercover FBI agent, and my intended target was never in any real danger. I've engaged in a conspiracy to commit murder. In many jurisdictions, the penalty for this crime is on par with what I'd face if I'd actually done some killing.

  I'll say it again, because I think it bears repeating. Drake believes that he and his followers are asking an omnipotent (and not at all imaginary) being to kill his enemies. He has clearly shown the intent to cause the deaths of two people. This has to be a criminal act. If it wasn't all so laughably stupid, I'd say Drake should be prosecuted for his threats.

ReligionNewsBlog
Americans United for Separation of Church and State
LA Times (registration required)

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Have you ever thought about politics?
- Will Vote For Food

Dear Will Vote For Food,
  I burn a lot of brain cells fuming about how modern political discourse sounds like an elementary school playground. Contentious issues are debated in a more verbose version of "nuh uh!" "yuh huh!" and there's a remarkable amount of noise that carries very little information.

  However, I suspect that the thrust of your question is whether or not I've ever considered running for office. I have considered it, and pretty much ruled it out. I'm appalled by the the money-driven campaigning process. I find the personalities and people who are attracted to politics irksome. I can't stomach the necessary pandering to every group and interest that it takes to get elected. Finally, there's enough questionable conduct in my misspent past that I doubt I'd survive the public vivisection that awaits a candidate for any office higher than dogcatcher.

  But the thing that turns me off most about American politics is the way that anyone who has the temerity to allow their opinions to be influenced by actual events is labeled a "flip-flopper." Seriously? The whole of scientific and intellectual pursuit is grounded in the proposition that you have to be willing to scrutinize your beliefs. You base your opinions on the best available evidence, but if new evidence undermines those beliefs, you have to be willing to abandon them, no matter how compelling or comfortable they are.

  That's why science is inherently progressive. You can believe as hard as you want that the Universe revolves around the Earth, until somebody points out that the other planets move in a way that only be explained if they and the Earth are all orbiting the sun. At that point, I want the people in charge* of my country to have the intellectual fortitude to not jam their heads in the sand and insist that the Universe is heliocentric.

  If, to use a purely hypothetical example, you support a military action due in part to evidence that the target is trying to build a nuclear weapon, and latter it turns out that the nuclear weapon bits were incorrect, withdrawing your support for that military action wouldn't make you indecisive. It would make you a person who values truth over slavish devotion to an erroneous idea.

  And yet, for some unfathomable reason, the American voting public relates to its elected officials like a four-year-old to its father. Daddy knows everything; he can answer every question you pose, and he's never wrong. Why would he ever need to change his mind?

  All of that is a long way of saying that I don't think I could get elected to political office. I don't believe I have a soul to sell, but I do value what's left of my brain, and I pride myself on a modicum of ability to think critically. Until being a successful politician doesn't necessitate coating one's brain in intellectual cement to block out new information, I'll have to stay on the "despondent voter" side of the political equation.

* For purposes of America, assume these people are old, rich white men.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Do you ever get tired of being sarcastic all the time?
- Wondering

Dear Wondering,
  Are you kidding? I live in a world where thousands of Americans are dying in an occupied foreign country, which was invaded partly on the advice of a Vice President who doesn't believe he's part of the Executive branch of government. I'm pretty sure I sneer in my sleep.

The Inner Lives of Nerds

  Recently, I spotted a "Nutter For Mayor" campaign sign on the side of a VW van, and I experienced a small explosion of nerditry. First, my inner Anglophile had a chuckle; Philadelphia's current mayor is widely appraised as batshit insane, so it would be a natural transition if the office goes to a man whose name is "Nutter."

  After I was finished (mentally) giggling like... well, like a nutter, I started thinking about the vehicle itself. When you read the words "VW van," chances are you picture something shaped vaguely like a loaf of bread on wheels, with an interior featuring shag carpet, a pungent patchouli reek and a cloud of marijuana smoke so dense that it shows up on weather radar. Alas, the van in question wasn't the iconic hippie mystery machine featured in countless American movies and TV shows. It was the modern version, the EuroVan, that VW made until 2003. It more closely resembles an aluminum baking pan and if it has a typical smell, it's likely fast-food wrappers and middle-aged resignation.

  I went off on a weird internal tangent about how much more information and context would have been transmitted if the sign had been hanging on the side of an original VW van. Given Nutter's popularity among the University City crowd, it would have been easy to picture affluent white kids in Che Guevara t-shirts, passing around a joint and pretending to be anarchists, or grey-haired hippie grandparents with fringed vests and ponytails, passing around a joint and pretending it's medicinal. But there's just no cultural information transmitted by a EuroVan. Can you picture the "typical" EuroVan driver? I get a vague notion of "pale and balding," but that may just be residue from the momentary glimpse I got of the driver. I just can't dredge up a satisfying mental picture.

  Usually, I'm all for individuality, and I consider stereotypes the worst kind of slothful thinking. Still, in this context, I feel like the message is somehow diluted. If I'd seen an original VW van sporting the "Nutter For Mayor" sign, I'd have some notion, however vague (or wildly incorrect), about the person making the endorsement. In the absence of any other argument - candidate credentials, plans for the office, criticism of other candidates, tabloid scandal - I'd at least have an idea of who else is supporting Nutter's candidacy. With the EuroVan version, I'm left with nothing but an anonymous exhortation, like somebody ran up behind me on the street, yelled "Vote for Nutter!" and then darted into an alley before I could shout "Why should I?"

  The luscious fruit topping on this layer cake of nerdiness is that, since I'm a non-party-affiliated voter I can't even vote in the upcoming primary. This also means that I'm effectively shut out of the mayoral election, since the Republican has a trailer-in-a-tornado's chance of being elected. So all of this musing about campaign signs and arguments and information transmission is just for my own amusement.

  This is why the Internet is my closest friend.