Ask the Little Bald Bastard

Dear LBB,
  When the hell will modern science finally find a way to replace my brain's ability to store and recall the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" theme with the ability to, say, learn Mandarin?

Slowly losing my mind,
- Bryan

Dear Bryan ,
  Don't blame that shit on science. If you'd spent a decade studying Mandarin for half an hour a day, you'd be speaking fluently. Instead, you're firing up your Livejournal to compare the TMNT movie unfavorably to the original animated series. (No Shredder? The horror!)

  That said, I too am eagerly awaiting the day when I can replace my faulty wetware with some good old fashioned flash memory. I'd gladly Johnny Mnemonic things like the loss of my virginity, the first time I got fired, or high school to make room for my mp3s. Unlike my iPod, I can't accidentally run my jacket through the wash with my brain in the pocket. The only condition I have is that whatever software runs by new silicon brain can't be a Microsoft product. That would give "blue screen of death" a literal meaning that I'm not ready to sign on for.