Suburban Panic!

Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

18 February 2008

Question #119: The World Is Odd Enough

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Over the course of your internet ramblings, what is the most bizarre web site you have ever seen?
- Ryoga M

Dear Ryoga M,
  When we're children, we're told constantly that each of us is a unique snowflake, utterly distinct from every other person on the planet. This is, of course, eight kinds of bullshit, just as mythical as the Tooth Fairy and your chances of becoming President.

  Like the spiteful kid on the playground who tells everyone else the truth about Santa, the Internet has exposed the absurdity of this bit of populist propaganda. Pick your favorite obscure band, your most embarrassing sexual proclivity, or your most outrageous conspiracy theory. Plug some related keywords into your favorite search engine, and you'll discover hundreds, if not thousands, of kindred souls waiting to welcome you with open arms and, more often than not, a little bit of drooling.

  If you look, you'll find flat-earth conspiracy buffs, sad sacks who can't get off unless they're dressed up like furry creatures, and people who think that Sting has been worth listening to since leaving The Police. Weirdos and cranks, obviously.

  I'll spare you a laundry list of the strange, mostly sexual, oddities that are festering in the dim, damp corners of the web. If you want to immerse yourself in a thick stew of cephalophiles, sewage-huffers and body-modders, Warren Ellis and Ectoplasmosis are good places to start.

  The most appalling, unfathomable thing I've ever stumbled over online isn't furries or scatplay or brimstone-breathing fundamentalists. There are communities of "bug chasers," gay men who are sexually aroused by contracting sexually transmitted diseases in general, and HIV/AIDS in particular. They swap stories of how they were infected, set up parties where disease-free men can have unprotected sex with infected partners, and brag about "breeding" their diseases in unsuspecting hookups.

  The whole thing blows my mind so thoroughly that I can't even wrap up with something pithy. Actively wanting to get a fatal disease is strange to the point of madness. Deliberately infecting others is beyond obscene.

  The silver lining to this corrosive, brain-soiling cloud is that the web also provides solidarity and community for rational people, who might feel like they're all alone in decrying the superstitious nonsense that permeates society. There are opportunities to have meaningful discussions with skeptics and freethinkers from all over the world. If the creationists and true believers can do it, we can do it better. Thanks for the question.

03 October 2007

Question #109:

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What would you do if I was furiously fisting myself all the time?
- Cavernous Vag

Dear Cavernous Vag,
  I'd recommend a water-based lubricant. Preferably, something sold by the gallon and dispensed with a garden hose.

  I'd also suggest buying yourself a webcam. If you're constantly elbow-deep in your own fun bits, it might be tough to keep a day job. Selling subscriptions to the live video feed of your arm disappearing into your distended pelvis might help you pay the bills.

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26 February 2007

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I am a big fan of lingerie! However, my boyfriend says it's a waste of time and money, because the whole point of it is to take it off. How do I get him to pay attention to me?
- Desperate for Attention and Nookie
Dear Desperate,
  If he's so insistent on taking it off, then he must be showing you some sort of attention. It's probably the man-on-top-get-it-over-with-quick kind of attention that the ladies so adore, but it's attention nonetheless.
  A certified sex therapist would probably have all kinds of advice about communicating your needs effectively, and would offer strategies for obtaining satisfaction. Alas, I am not a certified anything, so I can only offer this perspective. Take full advantage of your power as a female. If your waste of man-bits isn't knocking your boots to their full potential, ask yourself some questions.
1) Does he have some other fabulous qualities that make the physical deprivation worthwhile?
2) If you explained the situation to him, would he be willing to step up his efforts to fulfill you sexually?
3) Would he rather sex you up than watch wrestling?
4) Is he really straight?
  If the answer to any of these questions is no, think about moving on.