Question #125: Bad Breathiquette

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Have you ever given somebody a piece of gum because they had nasty breath? What do you do if they say no?
- Mjr. Halitosis

Dear Mjr. Halitosis,
  Wow, awkward city. I've only ever been in that situation once. The unfortunate stank dragon didn't take the hint, but he wasn't in my space for very long, so my discomfort was short lived. If you're stuck in close proximity to the freshness-challenged individual, you could be in for a long, gross day/evening/sexual encounter.

  If the breath offender is someone you're close to, breath shallowly and tell the truth. If you say it nicely, you'll likely get a better smelling environment without suffering through too much indignation.

  If you're not comfortable saying it straight, it's time for some passive-aggressive escalation. Repeat the offer of gum, then offer mints, mouthwash and (for good measure) gum again.

  If all of these hints fail to bring the message home, just announce loudly that you're going to brush your teeth. You'll either get your point across, or create an opportunity to wriggle out the bathroom window. Either way, your poor, offended nose will thank you.

Question #110:

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I invited two guys - who often cancel plans at the last minute - to go to an event with me. Now they're both planning to meet me there. Awkward city! What should I do?
- Two Popular

Dear Two Popular,
  The answer depends on the event in question. If it's an evening of facial stabbings and light verbal abuse, and your dates are only attending to curry your favor, ditch whichever guy is less amusing and have a good time with the other one. If it's a free money and sandwiches parade, and the ditchee is liable to show up without a date, you'll have to stay home altogether, or run the risk of being the soy cheese in a vegan embarrassment sandwich.