Ask the Little Bald Bastard

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  How can I masturbate at work without getting caught?
-X-Rated At X-Fire
Dear X-Rated,
  Unless you're a toll collector, simply grab a newspaper, find a bathroom stall and go to town. If it's a private bathroom, you're golden. Otherwise, simply groan loudly and flip through the newspaper when anyone comes in. No one will interrupt you if it sounds like you're showing Number Two who's boss.