Dear LBB,
Why don't girls take shits?
- Scatologist
Dear Scatologist,
I was once read the riot act by an old girlfriend for asking the very same question. While her response was harsh and belittling to my manhood, it boiled down to two points.
1) Girls don't "shit," they "defecate."
2) As far as I was concerned, she didn't defecate, either.
After she dumped me, I spent many months scanning the newspaper in hopes of reading about her inevitable death from exploding intestines. Alas, it never happened.
10 November 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
What if God smoked cannabus (sic)?
- Jesus Stole My Stash
Dear J.S.M.S,
It wouldn't be that odd, really. If you ascribe to the New Testament assertion that Jesus was, in fact, God, then it isn't all that big a stretch to see God as a wandering hippie. He certainly drank enough wine, and in the Gospel of Mark he spends 40 days in the desert hallucinating. Whether he was tripping on something, or just freaking out because he hadn't eaten for over a month is a matter for some debate, but God certainly has a history of experiencing altered states of consciousness. And that's ignoring the obvious platypus joke.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
How much is that doggy in the window (Woof Woof), the one with the with the waggily tail?
- The Slut Boat
Dear Slut Boat,
Relatively inexpensive, until you figure in the cost of food, trips to the vet, and having your furniture reupholstered after your excitable new puppy decides to let you know how happy he is to see you by showering an entire room with urine. Then again, balanced against the type of unconditional love that you'll never receive from any human being, a couch that smells like pee might not be so bad.
04 November 2002
29 October 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
What's the best way to get rid of unwanted killer mold?
- Crossings Clueless
Dear Clueless,
As opposed to all that welcome killer mold? First, go bang your face solidly against the refrigerator. This won't help with the mold: it's your punishment for phrasing your question so stupidly. Have someone take a picture of your broken, bloody visage, and email it to me. Once I'm satisfied that you've suffered enough, I'll help you get rid of the fanatical spores that even now are corroding your immune system.
24 October 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
I am a 24-year-old single female, and I possess no porn or sex toys of any kind. Is there something wrong with me?
- Idle but Agile Hands
Dear Idle,
If you're satisfied with your solitary sexuality, then by all means keep at it. I myself am a regular worshipper at the temple of self-loving, and I can tell you that if you don't need any tactile or visual aids, you've got a major advantage. Some of us can't even get it up anymore without watching a videotape of one woman licking something off of another woman. And really, that's just sad.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
How can I masturbate at work without getting caught?
-X-Rated At X-Fire
Dear X-Rated,
Unless you're a toll collector, simply grab a newspaper, find a bathroom stall and go to town. If it's a private bathroom, you're golden. Otherwise, simply groan loudly and flip through the newspaper when anyone comes in. No one will interrupt you if it sounds like you're showing Number Two who's boss.
21 October 2002
Dear Bastard,
Why can't you get your head out of your ass?
- Bastard Hater
Dear Bastard Hater,
I'm fine, as long as I don't leave it up there long enough that my hair starts to grow in. That stubble hooks into my delicate rectal tissue like steel-belted Velcro. I'm then forced to wait another two weeks until the hair grows long enough that it's silky soft and bendable. Only then am I able to remove my head from my poor, distended anus.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
How much sex is considered too much sex, thereby deeming a person as a nympho?
- Crazy About Booty
Dear Crazy,
The short answer is, more than you or I will ever get. Okay, maybe not you. It's probably just me. I'll bet you get laid on a regular basis, without having to beg or spend your rent money.
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Why is cheese so ridiculously delicious?
- Dairy Queen
Dear Dairy,
It's squirted out of a cow, completely re-processed by busy little bacteria, and then extruded into little vacuum sealed plastic containers or pressed into tubes for eventual slicing by that sweaty guy at the deli. What's not to love?
15 October 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
What's the best cure for a head cold?
What do you do when you're not busy being bastardly?
How come I'm so sexy?
How YOU doin'?
Signed,
Really Fucking Bored in Medford
Dear RFB,
The best cure for a head cold is to simply not have a head. If you don't have access to a guillotine, simply lie down with your neck resting comfortably on the train tracks. You'll be rid of the cold, and have the satisfaction of haunting some poor Amtrak operator with the image of your exploded head for the rest of his miserable, drunken life.
When I'm not handing out bitter, angry advice, I work in retail, and attend classes at Rowan University. Which explains why my advice is so often bitter and angry.
You're probably so sexy because of that see-through shirt you accidentally wore to work.
I'm doin' fine. Puttering around the Bald Cave, cleaning rotten fruits and vegetables out of my kitchen. Looking forward to another Christmas working in the mall. But hey, at least I'm not getting raped in the shower by a lifer known only as "Bulk."
09 October 2002
Dear Little Bald Bastard,
Let's say someone you love and care about is about to be kidnapped by zombie carnival folk. That person will be forced to be their slave for the rest of her natural born life with NO hope of advancement or escape. In order to save her, you would have to get the word KRAFT (yes, that's right, as in the Mac and Cheese) tattooed on your forehead. Now, how would you break the news that she would forever be living with the carnies?
Sincerely,
John Smith
Dear John,
I don't know exactly. Does Hallmark make an "Enjoy Shoveling Elephant Shit for the Rest of Your Life" card?
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