What is defination(sic) of a scatologist? Hope you can help me. Thanks.
- CANYUFEELIT2
Dear CANYUFEELIT2,
  A scatologist is a person who has an unhealthy fascination with human waste, such as feces, urine, and Christina Aguilera videos.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Where does the saying on the wagon come from?
- Middleton Construction
Dear Middleton,
  A little-known Sumerian text called Inkidinkidudipants, which loosely translates to "Up yours, Mesopotamia!" These ancient scrolls describe the creation of many things which later became indispensable to civilization, including both alcohol and wheeled carts. It also makes mention of a practice by Sumerian law enforcement officials, who would pull a large flat cart through the streets of the ancient Sumerian capital, rounding up citizens who had indulged in too much cheap, fermented cactus juice. As long as the offender was sober enough to climb in, he was allowed to clambor into the back of the cart and catch a ride home. If he was too blotto, the polizei would tie his wrists to the back of the cart and drag him to the edge of town to sober up under the blistering Sumerian sun.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I'm thinking about having your profile tattooed to my ass...which is your best side?
  What's better, dating someone below your potential so you get to walk around feeling superior but still have to wake up every morning next to them, or date far above your potential, get to wake up to THAT, but have to walk around feeling inadaquate?
- Love, Slight Taller Man with Hair
Dear Slightly,
  - My best side is generally whichever side you can't see. Although all you'd really have to do is have a pair of sunglasses drawn on your ass. I'm sure the resemblance to my face would be remarkable.
  - If you're going to do it, why not do it right? Who gives a shit if you feel inadequate? I feel inadequate enough when I look at myself, let alone at somebody else. If you can secure yourself the pleasure of going home to an attractive partner, go for it. Just be honest with yourself. If you're going to feel so outclassed that you're unable to keep from crying anytime someone flirts with your partner, forget it. Your self-doubt might lead you into the kind of jealousy that always seems to result in a restraining order.

Dear LBB,
  What is the last single-word entry you used in a search engine?
- Happy Googler
Dear Googler,
  ”Self-loathing.” (Hyphenated words count, right?)

Hey, Bastard,
  What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard?
- Mike 354
Dear Mike,
  Pickup lines are, by definition, awful. Trying to convince a person to take a sex break with you in one sentence is one of the most absurd notions ever devised by a desperate male population. The only thing more pathetic than the attempt is the rare success story. Using a pickup line is sad; falling for one is depressing beyond comprehension.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Whose face would you least like to see on a t-shirt?
- Rabid Silk Screener
Dear Rabid,
  Mine in the morning. Between the pillow creases and the drool, my freshly-wakened mug looks like something you’d scrape off the bottom of a sewage treatment worker’s hip-waders.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What’s your favorite deadly sin?
- Piz-ope Griz-egory
Dear P.G.,
  As far as I’m concerned, overuse of commas is far more heinous than a little sloth. If I had to pick, I’d go with lust. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all fun, but lust is the only one that could conceivably lead to a Bastard getting a little action. If pride or envy could get me laid, I might change my tune.

Dear LBB,
  Who are you, anyway?
- Agent Mulder
Dear Agent,
  From before the dawn of time I came, moving down through the ages, wielding my sarcasm like a… okay, enough bullshit. I’m bitter old man trapped in the body of a bitter youngish man. I can be found working shitty retail jobs, and crying softly to myself at night.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Can you think of a good photo-poll question?
- Frantic Student Magazine
Dear Frantic,
  Here you go. What do you get when you cross a bald head, a ten dollar pair of sunglasses, and a sense of humor only slightly more sophisticated than curdled milk?
  My answer, incidentally, would be "a shtick I can milk for three years."

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Complete this sentence:
"Hell is..."
- Personal Virgil
Dear Virgil,
  Well, your classicist might say "other people," to show off how witty and literate they are. Frankly, I think hell is forgetting to shave your head for a few weeks, and subsequently getting your hair caught in every sweater, hood, and hat you wear.
  What? My scalp is sensitive...

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I was wondering if you'd explain this little quote. I overheard it at the mall today and my ears have been bleeding ever since...
"Sometimes blonds eat the beach, sometimes they eat a hotdog stand...the point is friend, they all eat."
Thank you.
- Suffering from stupidity (not mine...other's)
Dear Suffering,
  It sounds to me as if you overheard a conversation between two Godzilla scholars. They were obviously speaking in code so as not to alarm passersby with their description of the unusually destructive eating habits of the legendary radioactive lizard.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Who is the coolest person you know (not met, not read about but actually know on a personal level)? And then you can tell me all about the coolest person you have met and read about... :)
- Kurious Kitty
Hold On There, Kurious,
  That's way too many related questions for my brain to process right now. Let me answer the first part with something that sounds no less cliche' for being absolutely true. The coolest people I know personally are my parents. Mom and Dad Bastard are still married, unlike 80 percent of my friends' parents. Also, they had a very clear idea of when to stop raising me.
  My parents didn't let me get away with too much stupid shit when I was a kid, but after a certain age they understood that it was no longer appropriate to meddle directly in my affairs. They are happy to offer advice, support, and even constructive criticism from time to time, but they are very good about treating me like an adult. They don't pry into my life, they don't offer unsolicited solutions to my problems, and they never, ever lecture me. They are the most awesome Mom and Dad a Bastard could have, and I appreciate them more every time I hear a friend tell a "my Mom won't shut up" story.

Dear Bastard:
  I'm getting married next year and need to make a few extra bucks. Do you think I would make a suitable addition to my local tittie bar?
- Shaking my Money Maker
Dear Shaking,
  As long as you have the required mammaries and the slimmest grasp of rythmic dancing, I don't see how you can lose. Give a man a few beers, and he'll stuff a dollar in the thong of even the skankiest ho. You might want to check with your fiancee on this, though. If he shows up with his buddies for the bachelor party and finds you leaving a slime trail down a fireman's pole, he might start having second thoughts.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Okay, so how do you break it down to a roommate that no, you don't wanna experiment and thank you-but uh...you don't really need to have gay sex with them to become closer?
-John Smith
Dear Obvious Psuedonym,
  It depends the reaction you expect to receive. If your roommate is reasonable, then simply confront him honestly. If you expect tears and a tantrum, try telling him just before you go away for the weekend. If he's a loner with an extensive collection of guns, get used to putting out.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Which is worse, loading a newborn feet first into a blender to make baby smoothies OR grinding up a couple old people to make sausage?
- Worse Witch
Dear Worse,
  It depends. Is the baby already dead? Are the old people war criminals? If you really want to put me in a moral bind, you'll have to be much more specific.