Best Buddy Flick Evar

  Thanks to Skepchick.org for the heads up. This is without exaggeration the funniest things I've seen in months. If you're easily offended, fuck off. Also, don't watch the movie.

Question #121: Sin Silly

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  As a post-modern heathen, I find myself terribly bored with the traditional sins. While I'm sure that my soul is irretrievably soiled with the caustic filth of my decadent lifestyle, I find that living like a character in an Anne Rice novel just isn't as fascinating as it was when I was 17. How can I preserve the smear of acidic, putrid ichor that I call a soul, while trying new things at the same time?
- Soul Possessor

Dear Soul Possessor,
  There's good news for those of you who consider the mundane dalliances with lust and sloth to be horribly banal. After 1,500 years, the fun-loving scamps at the Vatican have finally doubled their list of seven deadly sins. The seven newest deadly sins (now 100% deadlier!) are supposed to reflect the moral decline of the modern, secular world. They are, in no particular order:

* Abortion
* Damaging the environment
* Carrying out morally questionable scientific experiments
* Allowing genetic manipulation which alters DNA or compromises embryos
* Dealing or using drugs
* Pedophilia
* Social injustice that causes poverty or
the excessive accumulation of wealth by a few.

  The mind-stomping irony of the last two items notwithstanding, this represents a boon for those of you who are tired of the trite, clichéd evil of the old list. Now you can enjoy the tingly thrill of mocking god every time you don't recycle.

  One only hopes that the church will commission someone to write The Divine Comedy 2: Electric Boogaloo, so that we'll know for certain what eternal punishments await us for each of the new infractions. I can't see the deterrent effect being really powerful unless we know the penalties up front.

New Humanist
Times Online

A Stick Figure Eulogy

The Order of the Stick has a touching tribute to the recently deceased E. Gary Gygax, the founding father of the modern roleplaying game. If I were designing an afterlife, there would definitely be a place for a man whose work brought such joy to so many.

Bob The Dinosaur Is My New Role Model

Dilbert

Spam ≠ Free Speech

  The Virginia Supreme Court upheld the conviction of a notorious spammer under Virginia's anti-spam law. A divided court said that spam isn't protected speech under the First Amendment. Associated Press.

  Personally, I wouldn't bet on this being the definitive word. The Supreme Court may not weigh in on this particular case, but it will likely have to rule on the issue some time in the near future. I lean toward the argument that spam is often fraudulent and causes economic harm, and spammers should be boiled in penis-enhancement cream. The debate is an interesting one, though.

Question #120: A Fine Meth

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Can you tell me how to make crystal meth?
- Every Third Visitor to This Blog

Dear Every Third Visitor to This Blog,
  I know you're out there. My sensitive scalp - and my StatCounter service - tell me that approximately one in three of the people who wander past this site wind up here because I once made a sarcastic reference comparing my skill at making crystal meth with the competence of the Emmy voters. Thanks to Google, I'm now some kind of creepy, deserted side street on the pilgrimage to chemical entrepreneurship, right after "Here's A Good Idea," and just before "I'm The Prom Queen of Cellblock D!"

  Until a catastrophic event wipes out the Internet, and sends us all back to drawing cleverly captioned pictures of cats on the walls of caves, I'll be stuck with my status as a false lead for wannabe drug kingpins. In hopes of hastening the LOLpocalypse just a tad, I offer you my 100% foolproof recipe for making crystal meth. Please note that making, taking, selling, and probably even thinking about meth are all extremely dangerous and very illegal. Don't expect me to bail you out or pitch in for your hospital bill if you screw something up.

  Please be sure to read instructions completely before proceeding.


Ingredients
  In order to make drugs of heart-stoppingly high quality, you will need the following items:
* 1 bottle anhydrous ammonia
* 14 boxes pseudoephedrine-based decongestant
* 1 bottle drain cleaner (sulphuric acid)
* 2 cannisters camping fuel or propane
* box wooden matches
* cigarette lighter
* box unbleached coffee filters
* Hammer
* Mortar and pestle
* Duct tape
* 1 five-gallon plastic bucket
* 1 wooden spoon
* scissors

Preparation
  Place all ingredients on a sturdy table in a sealed room, preferably with no windows. Use duct tape to seal any cracks or spaces which might allow suspicious fumes to escape.

  Using scissors, remove heads from entire box of wooden matches. Place match heads in stainless steel bowl. Dispose of match sticks.

  Using mortar and pestle, grind decongestant pills into a coarse powder.

  Pour ammonia into bucket. Add drain cleaner, pouring slowly.

  Using wooden spoon, stir powdered decongestant into liquid mixture.

  Slowly pour match heads onto mixture. Try to distribute them in an even layer on top of the mixture.

  Using hammer, remove valves from fuel cannisters. Allow cannisters to drain until hissing sound stops.

  Using cigarette lighter, ignite the layer of match heads in the bucket.

  The resulting explosion should neatly remove you from the gene pool, and will hopefully serve as a warning to your dumbass friends that running an illegal drug lab full of volatile chemicals is a suicidally stupid idea.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

Novelist Worries About Florida's Reputation

  On Sunday, Carl Hiaasen waded into the argument over science education standards in Florida with a great editorial warning about the damage that the teaching of evolution could do to the state's reputation.

  Unfortunately, it looks like the state school board didn't take Mr. Hiaasen's recommendation seriously. Four of the seven board members voted to include the word "evolution" in public schools science standards for the first time.

  After much wrangling, The board approved the use of the term "scientific theory of evolution," so as to placate the anti-science crowd, who still seem to think that tossing the word "theory" about somehow weakens evolution. It's so sad that, in the 21st century, it still takes this kind of pandering to get real science in front public school children. Somebody call Spain and ask if they'll take the peninsula back.

Question #119: The World Is Odd Enough

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Over the course of your internet ramblings, what is the most bizarre web site you have ever seen?
- Ryoga M

Dear Ryoga M,
  When we're children, we're told constantly that each of us is a unique snowflake, utterly distinct from every other person on the planet. This is, of course, eight kinds of bullshit, just as mythical as the Tooth Fairy and your chances of becoming President.

  Like the spiteful kid on the playground who tells everyone else the truth about Santa, the Internet has exposed the absurdity of this bit of populist propaganda. Pick your favorite obscure band, your most embarrassing sexual proclivity, or your most outrageous conspiracy theory. Plug some related keywords into your favorite search engine, and you'll discover hundreds, if not thousands, of kindred souls waiting to welcome you with open arms and, more often than not, a little bit of drooling.

  If you look, you'll find flat-earth conspiracy buffs, sad sacks who can't get off unless they're dressed up like furry creatures, and people who think that Sting has been worth listening to since leaving The Police. Weirdos and cranks, obviously.

  I'll spare you a laundry list of the strange, mostly sexual, oddities that are festering in the dim, damp corners of the web. If you want to immerse yourself in a thick stew of cephalophiles, sewage-huffers and body-modders, Warren Ellis and Ectoplasmosis are good places to start.

  The most appalling, unfathomable thing I've ever stumbled over online isn't furries or scatplay or brimstone-breathing fundamentalists. There are communities of "bug chasers," gay men who are sexually aroused by contracting sexually transmitted diseases in general, and HIV/AIDS in particular. They swap stories of how they were infected, set up parties where disease-free men can have unprotected sex with infected partners, and brag about "breeding" their diseases in unsuspecting hookups.

  The whole thing blows my mind so thoroughly that I can't even wrap up with something pithy. Actively wanting to get a fatal disease is strange to the point of madness. Deliberately infecting others is beyond obscene.

  The silver lining to this corrosive, brain-soiling cloud is that the web also provides solidarity and community for rational people, who might feel like they're all alone in decrying the superstitious nonsense that permeates society. There are opportunities to have meaningful discussions with skeptics and freethinkers from all over the world. If the creationists and true believers can do it, we can do it better. Thanks for the question.

Hey, Hallmark

Time to get on the stick. February 12th is Darwin Day, and I don't see a card. Jerks.

No Cure For Teeny Weenies

  Here's why it pays to be skeptical, guys. It turns out that the makers of the "male enhancement" pill Enzyte weren't inflating anything but their claims. The government is prosecuting company officials for conspiring to defraud its customers out of 100 million desperate, small-wanged dollars. From Cincinnati.com:

James Teegarden Jr., the former vice president of operations at Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, explained Tuesday in U.S. District Court how he and others at the company made up much of the content that appeared in Enzyte ads.

He said employees of the Forest Park company created fictitious doctors to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back up claims about Enzyte’s effectiveness.

  There are a few things about this situation that really stick out.

1) PAY ATTENTION. Slick marketing and customer satisfaction surveys are fine, but if a company can't or won't explain to you how its product works, DON'T GIVE THEM MONEY.

2) This is especially true when the company makes "health" claims that are so sensitive. The harder you want something to be true, the easier it is to let yourself believe dubious claims. If a pill claims to fix a heretofore unfixable problem, it's time to be even more diligent.

3) The only thing classier than conspiring to sell millions of dollars of dubious dick drugs is cutting your mom in on the action. From the article:

Several other company employees, including [the founder's] mother, Harriet, also are charged with participating in the conspiracy.

  I also find it insane that, as of February 1st, 2008, the company's website it still up and running, making the same claims and apparently still taking orders. Why hasn't the District Court issued an temporary injunction to stop the company from making these (allegedly) fraudulent claims?

  Nobody needs an herbal penis pump so badly that they can't wait a few months. If the Court rules in favor of the company, then let them go back to peddling their pills. In the meantime, why risk letting the company defraud more innocent men? They're already upset about the size of their junk. The court shouldn't allow their wallets to be deflated as well.

  On the plus side, I finally have a reason to use the "dick" tag non-euphemistically.

Take Back The "U"

  In the middle of an interesting report on the aftermath of the Texas UFO sightings, Sam Ogden of Skepchick.org reports this little tidbit.

"I sat across the aisle from some fellow Texans on the plane ride home from Florida who were very vocal that the reversal by the air force was proof that the government is covering something up."

  This, my friends, is the definition of ambivalence. I love to be right; I hate the credulity. It's a powerful sensation, akin to choking myself to death with delicious cookie dough.

  Folks, it's time we did something ridiculously pedantic as we paddle upstream in the flood of blind belief. We've got to take back the word "unidentified." We've got to stop letting true believers conflate the term with “alien.”

  Here's how we do it. If someone observes a UFO, and then either attempts to gather evidence and make a determination of what it was, or calmly accepts that it can't be precisely identified, then they can call it unidentified. If they’re going to leap to an otherwise unsupported conclusion as to the object's outer spaciness, we have to insist that they use a word like alien or extraterrestrial that clearly indicates the (desperately crazy) conclusion they’ve drawn.

  I'm not nearly so delusional as to think that this semantic quibbling will change the minds of anyone in the woo-niverse, but it might just rescue an innocent word from misappropriation by the tinfoil hat crowd. That's a worthy enough goal all by itself.

XKCD Nails It

XKCD.com

Question #118: Unidentified ≠ Alien

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Do you think those people down in Texas really saw a UFO?
- Scott Baio Gave Me Pinkeye

Dear Scott Baio Gave Me Pinkeye,
  I have absolutely no doubt that people in Stephenville, Texas did see several UFOs on the night of January 8th. I am, however, just as certain that they didn't see a spaceship full of aliens out for a night of "probe the redneck."

  The key is the U in "UFO." To belabor the point just a bit, it stands for "unidentified." I'll spare you the dictionary definition, but it's worth pointing out that any object or light in the sky that the viewer can't place is a UFO. I'd bet that the nearly every person in the industrialized world has, at some point, seen something in the sky and not been quite clear as to what that something was. Yet there has never been any compelling evidence of extraterrestrial visitation.

  It's a pet peeve of mine that "unidentified" has become popular shorthand for "alien." Despite the squawking of true believers, nobody has ever produced evidence for alien origin of UFOs. Read up on any major UFO sighting, and you'll find a perfectly rational, and entirely mundane, explanation. Lo and behold, the Air Force Reserve has confirmed that ten F-16 fighter jets from the 301st Fighter Wing at the Naval Air Station Fort Worth Joint Reserve were conducting training flights over North Central Texas that night.

  It's unfortunate that the Air Force Reserve initially disclaimed any military aircraft activity in the area. Doubtless the conspiracy theorists will seize on this revision as "evidence" that the government is covering up something it doesn't want us to know about. This might seem odd to you, the rational reader, but I promise it will happen. It takes a special kind of crazy to believe in a government conspiracy to cover up the truth about alien visitors. National governments are large, unwieldy organizations. They employ multitudes of personnel who rate at all levels of incompetence. The idea that even the most ruthlessly efficient national government could successfully suppress such a sensational revelation is just silly. The idea that the same government which brought you Watergate, Filegate and countless other -gate suffixed scandals could keep a lid on such big news is unfathomably absurd.

  Supposed extraterrestrial hijinks always make a little sad, and a lot purple-faced with rage. I'm a sci-fi geeeeek. I want so hard for intelligent alien life to be real, and for interstellar travel to be practical. To my continued frustration, we've found no evidence to suggest that either of these things is true. Whenever I read about a kerfluffle involving odd lights in the sky, a small part of me dares to hope that this will be the time when it turns out to be something truly exciting. 'Tis a small hope, repeatedly dashed. It's annoying that credulous assbaskets can't stop setting me up for disappointment. It's infuriating that paranoid nutbags retreat to insane theories about covert shenanigans, rather than dealing with the woe like the rest of us. I can only hope that, if the aliens ever show up and start handing out anal probes, they start with this guy.

I Have Nothing To Say To You

  Instead, I offer you a list of 100 crazy quotes, courtesy of Fundies Say the Darndest Things! God commands you to click, and discover the wonders of his greatest creation.

Tales From SEPTA: That Lady With The Hair

  Oh, Jesus Christ, the hair. It was supposed to be – had been, about six weeks earlier – red. Purple goop, squeezed from a tube and smeared on unsuspecting follicles resulted in a red that, given candlelight and sufficient squinting, could probably have passed for natural. After a month and a half, the weak winter sun had stripped the pigment, leaving behind a tarnished brass like a trumpet pulled from the rubble of a house fire. Under the fluorescent bus lights, it managed to appear vaguely auburn, brown, and a weird purplish green at the same time. My cones screamed in frustration as they tried to reconcile the conflicting signals, while my rods chuckled and went back to sleep. I've never been so happy to have a book to read.