Question #113:

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What's the best thing about being a blind, stupid, bleeding-heart, unrealistic, Satanloving, hellbound, hippie liberal cockface?
- One Nation Under GOD

Dear One Nation,
  I'd say it was the sense of smug superiority, but I suppose there's plenty of that at every point on the ideological spectrum. Self-righteous boobs of every political bent succumb to the temptation to cocoon themselves in the silky softness of like-minded opinion. Of course, affirmation addiction strikes non-political types as well. Without it, Michael Jackson might still have a nose and the Star Wars would likely have been Jar-Jar free.

  There are a lot of good things about being a liberal/progressive/lefty. Our girls are hotter. Our scientists don't waste time trying to prove that an invisible sky man made it all from scratch. Our gene pool tends to be broader and more diverse. We're allowed to acknowledge the cognitive dissonance that comes from a living in a country that listed equality as a sacred principle while simultaneously enshrining slavery in its founding document.

  On the whole though, the most awesome thing about being on the ideological left is the inevitable approbation of history. The progress of freedom and justice is a little like the stock market. In the short term, there are ups (Brown v. Board of Education) and downs (the USA PATRIOT Act). In the long term, it's all upward momentum. Social taboos evaporate and political barriers to individual expression erode. The doomsayers who warned that suffrage for women would ruin us, and that interracial marriage would destroy the American family, are dismissed as misguided fools. The uptight moralists claiming that gay marriage will tie "traditional" marriage to a stake and beat it to death with pink-handled hammers will eventually get the same treatment. Say what you will about self-confidence and the courage of your convictions, but it's awfully pleasant that history, and hindsight, keep proving us right. Er, correct.

Question #112: Obligatory Thanksgivingness

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  So, what are you thankful for?
- Bringin' Turkey Back

Dear Bringin' Turkey Back,
  I'm thankful that Jerry Seinfeld's Bee Movie got the modest, tasteful marketing campaign that a film of its obvious artistic merit so richly deserved.

Law-ku: Interrogation After Invocation

Please scrupulously
honor the invocation
of Miranda rights.

Right to be silent
is invoked for each offense.
Ask about past crimes.

Right to have counsel
is custody specific.
No further questions.

EDIT: Okay, so this isn't entirely correct. Under some circumstances, police can resume questioning about a crime even after the suspect invokes her right to remain silent, so the right isn't purely crime-specific. The preceding stupid poem makes no representation of accuracy.

If You've Ever Wondered What Law School Is Like

LAW SCHOOL MUSICAL

A Shout-out to the Meth Dealers and Users in the Audience

  A few years ago, I expressed my contempt for lavish entertainment industry awards shows by sniffing disdainfully at the Emmys. I compared the networks' skill at creating quality television with my own (total lack of) skill at making crystal meth. As part of my snark, I ran a quick search for instructions on operating a meth lab, and linked to a couple of the pages that came up.

  Enter a group called 1800NoDrugs, which offers referral services for drug users looking to get into rehab. They've created a website at methamphetamines.org which, through clever use of keywords, comes up in a search for instructions on making meth. Budding entrepreneurs looking for an all cash opportunity, and desperate junkies looking to do a little homebrewing, go out on the web looking for help in setting up their labs and wind up getting advice on finding a residential treatment program.

  I'm all for a little subterfuge in the pursuit of helping drug addicts get clean. I don't give a puddle of opiate-laced urine what people put into their bodies, but if a search for tips on manufacturing drugs misleads someone into getting help for a life-sodomizing dependency, that's fine by me.

  The confusing bit is that, after the offer for help in finding a rehab program, methamphetamines.org lists other links for meth-making info. It's as if the site is saying "Oops, sorry for wasting your time with an offer of potentially life-saving help. Here's that information you wanted on using volatile chemicals to make an addictive substance." Seriously? Make the wannabes go back to Google if they're that determined to be drug kingpins.

  I'm flogging this particular equine-American because, by virtue of its included links, my long-ago Emmy-bashing post wound up in this list of "crystal meth making instructions Resources." Which means that I get a few hits a week from people who are, one assumes, looking for help in playing Trailer Crack: The Home Game.

  So, here's a friendly nod to the meth dealers and users wandering by. If the shakes subside long enough, feel free to browse around. Sorry, but you won't find any drug manufacturing instructions here. And in case you're wondering, I still don't watch the Emmys.

EDIT: I have caved to popular pressure and posted a sure-fire recipe for making crystal meth. Start building your drug empire here.

Happy Birthday, Earth!

  And let me say, for a sprightly lass of 6,010, you're still looking great. Don't worry about that slight equatorial bulge. It happens to all of us after our mid-5,000s.

Correction: Soda Comes In Cans

  As a helpful Livejournal user pointed out, my statement that single-serving energy drinks are sold in smaller sizes than soda ignored the existence of the humble 12 ounce can. While I can honestly say that I drink soda exclusively from 20 and 24 ounce plastic bottles, my ignorance is no excuse for so casually dismissing a whole group of containers. These valuable receptacles hold soda and beer with equal aplomb, and I made a terrible mistake when I overlooked their contribution to the portability of our society's beverages.

  I'd like to issue a public apology to the Aluminum-American community. I will endeavor in the future to be more sensitive to the needs and concerns of our recyclable cousins. I sincerely hope that my unfortunate lapse in judgment will lead to an open dialog about the size, shape, composition and contents of our drink containers, that will allow us all to be more understanding of containers that are different from our own. Thank you.

Question #111:

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I need lots... LOTS of caffeine to get me through my day, but I'm pretty sure that all that coffee is eating a hole in my stomach. Any thoughts on a cleaner delivery system?
- McTwitchy

Dear McTwitchy,
  If you like your addiction to be warm in your belly, tea is the obvious answer. It's available in many different varieties, it smells lovely when you're brewing it and it's amenable to the same milk and sugar modifications as coffee. As a bonus, steeping each cup individually provides an easy way to regulate the strength of each dose. You can choose a gradual comedown or a drastic crash when you're ready to switch back to your resting heart rate.

  If the thought of drinking tea brings up uncomfortable memories of friendless weekends spent holding tea parties for discarded dolls and broken action figures, consider switching to soda. The upside, if the advertising is to be believed, is that you'll be instantly happier and more popular, and your thirst will be so thoroughly quenched that you'll be able to water plants with your mind. The downside is that soda doesn't pack as much caffeine per dose, and it's loaded either with sugar or foul-tasting artificial sweeteners that coat the tongue, making it impervious to pleasant tastes for decades.

  If you're on the verge of injecting pure caffeine into your eyeballs, you'll want to try one of the approximately 80,000 "energy drinks" that have flooded the market lately. They're like soda in the sense that they're carbonated and best served cold. Unlike soda, they may also contain some amount of a dubious "herbal" stimulant, and they don't even pretend to taste better than llama urine. They're also sold in smaller containers, presumably because the caffeine content of a soda-sized serving would kill a rhinoceros.

  No matter how desperate for a fix you are, resist the urge to drink the new Game Fuel variety of Mountain Dew. It has a decent caffeine content, but it tastes like I imagine antifreeze would after being vomited up by a large dog.

Things That I Hear On < 2 Hours of Sleep

RADIO: "The committee hopes to raise enough money to return the house to its original splendor."

ME: "What does a crappy artificial sweetener have to do with restoring a historic home?"

  The only consolation is that I didn't say it out loud. Nobody else will know.

Football: Strategies for Success

  Two important things that the Eagles need to do if they want to win:

1) Score (some number) points.

2) Stop the other team from scoring more than (some number) points.

  It sounds obvious, but this is Philadelphia. The most basic lessons are often the ones that we fail to grasp.

Question #110:

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I invited two guys - who often cancel plans at the last minute - to go to an event with me. Now they're both planning to meet me there. Awkward city! What should I do?
- Two Popular

Dear Two Popular,
  The answer depends on the event in question. If it's an evening of facial stabbings and light verbal abuse, and your dates are only attending to curry your favor, ditch whichever guy is less amusing and have a good time with the other one. If it's a free money and sandwiches parade, and the ditchee is liable to show up without a date, you'll have to stay home altogether, or run the risk of being the soy cheese in a vegan embarrassment sandwich.

Question #109:

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What would you do if I was furiously fisting myself all the time?
- Cavernous Vag

Dear Cavernous Vag,
  I'd recommend a water-based lubricant. Preferably, something sold by the gallon and dispensed with a garden hose.

  I'd also suggest buying yourself a webcam. If you're constantly elbow-deep in your own fun bits, it might be tough to keep a day job. Selling subscriptions to the live video feed of your arm disappearing into your distended pelvis might help you pay the bills.

Welcome Skepchicks and Readers

  A long-belated thank you to Rebecca and the rest of the free-thinking females over at Skepchick for graciously linking in my direction. I first discovered the Skepchicks through The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe, and I've been a fan ever since.

  I'm neither as prolific nor as entertaining as the Skepchicks, but I try to do my small part to popularize rational thinking and objective inquiry. I'd humbly suggest that you might enjoy these recent items. Enjoy, and please comment if something amuses/offends/nauseates you.

Question #108:

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What do you do for fun?
- I Need A New Hobby

Dear I Need A New Hobby,
  Your question presupposes that I have any significant leisure time. I'm a second year law student, so this "fun" you speak of doesn't sound familiar

  Okay, so I'm being a little facetious. I do occasionally have an unscheduled minute in which to contemplate my bastardly existence. I try to fill these fleeting moments of nagging purposelessness by reading, drawing and drifting bodiless through the fetid, stagnant intellectual morass of the Interwebs.

  Come to think of it, I'm not at all interesting. Not even a bit. You'd better try some other blog for tips on hobbies. The only really cool thing I do is talk to my wife, who took theoretical physics as an elective because "it sounded fun." Unfortunately, one jackass nodding along like he's smart enough to keep up with her is more than enough, so you're going to have to find your own brilliant woman to talk to. Good luck.

Question #107:

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Can you loan me 50 bucks?
- Fiscaliberal

Dear Fiscaliberal,
  Yes, as long as you can accept it in monthly installments of $.05 for the next 83 years. I'll leave nickels on the floor of the Spring Garden El station. Look for the first one in a few days.