Hey, LBB,
  Why does everybody gotta be all up in my shit?
- Q-ree-us
Dear Q-ree-us,
  Hm, that's a tough one. Does it smell like sweet, delicious tapioca pudding? Perhaps it has magical healing powers? Fess up. Are you making a soothing balm out of your own feces? If so, I think the public deserves to know what the main ingredient of your miracle cream really is.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why won't the monkeys stop screaming at the garbageman?
- Simian Hater
Dear Simian,
  From now on, dispose of your fresh monkey-snacks in airtight containers only. Better yet, stop dropping acid. In fact, forget about the garbage; concentrate on not taking hallucinogenic drugs all the time.

Dear LBB,
  If you could be raised by a pack of wild animals, what animal would you pick?
- Zoo Dude
Dear Zoo Dude,
  I'm particularly partial to camels. Ugly, gangly, and not willing to take shit from anything with two legs. Plus, I've always like the sound of the word "dromedary".

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  To have a good time, what number should I call?
- Lonely Weekends
Dear Lonely,
  If you're like me, and unable to communicate beyond a series of grunts and whistles, don't bother using the phone. Simply open your window and scream your frustration to the surrounding environs. The friends you make once you're thrown into a county holding cell will definitely spice up your social situation.

Hey Sailor,
  Howzabout a date?
- Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge
Dear Wink Wink,
  Although I'm naturally tempted by such a smooth, polished line, I'm afraid that I'll have to pass. It only took one stalking experience to put me off dating by mail. I tried to explain to the police that I was just passing by her building every night for a month, but they didn't buy it.

Why is it
that as soon as you're stable and moving on, ex's come crawling back on their hands and knees?
-The BestMan...the BetterMan
Dear B.M.,
(Heh heh. B.M.)
  Are you complaining? Life has given you a golden opportunity to fuck with this person as much as you want. If your former partner is really groveling, you now have free reign to make him/her suffer as much as you have since you were dumped.
  Of course, this all hinges on you actually being stable and moving on. If you're still secretly hung up on your ex, this is really all a cruel joke. You'll let the person who done you wrong back into your life, only to be hurt again. Then again, if you're really completely recovered, then your desire for revenge should have evaporated by now. In which case, you should break your ex's heart anyway, in honor of everyone who isn't as stable as yourself.

I've got a new question.
  So, out of the little, bald, and bastard, which are herditary and which are by choice?
-Slightly Taller Man with Hair
Dear Slightly,
  The "little" is genetic, and it's all my mother's fault. The "bald" is elective, although I'm sure that one day the natural attrition of my hair will advance far enough that I'll be bald without the aid of mechanical devices. The "bastard" part is a toss-up. Although we tend to assume that personality is a learned behavior, I wouldn't be at all surprised if surliness like mine was genetically expressed.

What is defination(sic) of a scatologist? Hope you can help me. Thanks.
- CANYUFEELIT2
Dear CANYUFEELIT2,
  A scatologist is a person who has an unhealthy fascination with human waste, such as feces, urine, and Christina Aguilera videos.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Where does the saying on the wagon come from?
- Middleton Construction
Dear Middleton,
  A little-known Sumerian text called Inkidinkidudipants, which loosely translates to "Up yours, Mesopotamia!" These ancient scrolls describe the creation of many things which later became indispensable to civilization, including both alcohol and wheeled carts. It also makes mention of a practice by Sumerian law enforcement officials, who would pull a large flat cart through the streets of the ancient Sumerian capital, rounding up citizens who had indulged in too much cheap, fermented cactus juice. As long as the offender was sober enough to climb in, he was allowed to clambor into the back of the cart and catch a ride home. If he was too blotto, the polizei would tie his wrists to the back of the cart and drag him to the edge of town to sober up under the blistering Sumerian sun.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I'm thinking about having your profile tattooed to my ass...which is your best side?
  What's better, dating someone below your potential so you get to walk around feeling superior but still have to wake up every morning next to them, or date far above your potential, get to wake up to THAT, but have to walk around feeling inadaquate?
- Love, Slight Taller Man with Hair
Dear Slightly,
  - My best side is generally whichever side you can't see. Although all you'd really have to do is have a pair of sunglasses drawn on your ass. I'm sure the resemblance to my face would be remarkable.
  - If you're going to do it, why not do it right? Who gives a shit if you feel inadequate? I feel inadequate enough when I look at myself, let alone at somebody else. If you can secure yourself the pleasure of going home to an attractive partner, go for it. Just be honest with yourself. If you're going to feel so outclassed that you're unable to keep from crying anytime someone flirts with your partner, forget it. Your self-doubt might lead you into the kind of jealousy that always seems to result in a restraining order.

Dear LBB,
  What is the last single-word entry you used in a search engine?
- Happy Googler
Dear Googler,
  ”Self-loathing.” (Hyphenated words count, right?)

Hey, Bastard,
  What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard?
- Mike 354
Dear Mike,
  Pickup lines are, by definition, awful. Trying to convince a person to take a sex break with you in one sentence is one of the most absurd notions ever devised by a desperate male population. The only thing more pathetic than the attempt is the rare success story. Using a pickup line is sad; falling for one is depressing beyond comprehension.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Whose face would you least like to see on a t-shirt?
- Rabid Silk Screener
Dear Rabid,
  Mine in the morning. Between the pillow creases and the drool, my freshly-wakened mug looks like something you’d scrape off the bottom of a sewage treatment worker’s hip-waders.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What’s your favorite deadly sin?
- Piz-ope Griz-egory
Dear P.G.,
  As far as I’m concerned, overuse of commas is far more heinous than a little sloth. If I had to pick, I’d go with lust. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all fun, but lust is the only one that could conceivably lead to a Bastard getting a little action. If pride or envy could get me laid, I might change my tune.

Dear LBB,
  Who are you, anyway?
- Agent Mulder
Dear Agent,
  From before the dawn of time I came, moving down through the ages, wielding my sarcasm like a… okay, enough bullshit. I’m bitter old man trapped in the body of a bitter youngish man. I can be found working shitty retail jobs, and crying softly to myself at night.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Can you think of a good photo-poll question?
- Frantic Student Magazine
Dear Frantic,
  Here you go. What do you get when you cross a bald head, a ten dollar pair of sunglasses, and a sense of humor only slightly more sophisticated than curdled milk?
  My answer, incidentally, would be "a shtick I can milk for three years."

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Complete this sentence:
"Hell is..."
- Personal Virgil
Dear Virgil,
  Well, your classicist might say "other people," to show off how witty and literate they are. Frankly, I think hell is forgetting to shave your head for a few weeks, and subsequently getting your hair caught in every sweater, hood, and hat you wear.
  What? My scalp is sensitive...